Well another busy week and another hospital admission! Things went down hill from a cold quite rapidly! All was going ok until i went to gp for some antibiotics but the next thing I know I'm in an ambulance and being rushed to hospital! Got lecture from ambulance crew about leaving it so late but I honestly thought I was ok! Obviouksy not! Anyway once drugs were going in system things improved and after some very careful monitoring by the itu doctors and me pleading them to not take me upstairs!! Anyway found out i have two nasty infections that need sorting out but it seems we have to wait until the samples have been looked at elsewhere so still waiting! Very busy week at work and the truth is as much as I try and keep up io don't feel like I can sometimes which is causing much frustration! I'm hoping it is a blip after the admission and things will improve! Been busy sorting the garden this week and fingers crossed the opening goes well!! Another thing that has got to me this week is the way I seem to be pushing people away! I'm not doing it on purpose I think I'm scared of hurting people and dont want them to feel the pain I'm going through!! I guess things will sort themselves out and I need to sort it out I'm just not sure how!!
Saw the gastro team this week and they were lovely! They were very honest that the damage is bad and probably needs surgery however the risks are high and lots of potential complications so not sure it is even possible! I guess we will see what happens!! They did mention the fact that I have lost a bit of weight and whilst it's fibe at the moment as i can afford some he was concerned at how rapid it is so now got to
Go to
Dietician!! The stupid thing is i think
He thought i was starving myself and I'm not!!
Can't think of any more waffle and really need to sleep
Before my day if gardening!!!
Saturday, 28 May 2011
Monday, 16 May 2011
Have been meaning to update for ages but life is just so busy I never seem
To have a spare few minutes! Anyway can't sleep tonight so here goes! The last few days have been horrendous, not breathing wise but pain wise! Breathing has been quite good and the vitamin d seems to make a difference that was un till they decided I couldn't have it last week because my kidney function has gone wrong! Apparently my potassium is now to low and until that goes up then no vit d! Fingers crossed this week it will be better but I'm not so sure as I feel yuck!! As for the pain, my chest now constantly hurts and seems to only partly be helped by painkillers, this weekend I completely over did it and am now suffering with the constant itching!! Oh well I guess it is a catch 22, itching or pain!!!!
In general I just feel like I want to hide away from the world and not do anything! I'm not sure why just everything seems to much!!! I feel bogged down at work and can't keep up with everything, not because the demands are to much more that I just can keep up! I'm not sure the answer really I guess see what happens! Inside I feel like I'm falling apart and slowly everything is being taken awAy it's funny how vulnerable you can feel!!
I need to think of something positive to say I guess! Oh well can't think of anything! I
Will next time I'm sure! If you are reading this and thinking oh she is depressed, I'm not I'm just facing facts that this is how life is!!!
To have a spare few minutes! Anyway can't sleep tonight so here goes! The last few days have been horrendous, not breathing wise but pain wise! Breathing has been quite good and the vitamin d seems to make a difference that was un till they decided I couldn't have it last week because my kidney function has gone wrong! Apparently my potassium is now to low and until that goes up then no vit d! Fingers crossed this week it will be better but I'm not so sure as I feel yuck!! As for the pain, my chest now constantly hurts and seems to only partly be helped by painkillers, this weekend I completely over did it and am now suffering with the constant itching!! Oh well I guess it is a catch 22, itching or pain!!!!
In general I just feel like I want to hide away from the world and not do anything! I'm not sure why just everything seems to much!!! I feel bogged down at work and can't keep up with everything, not because the demands are to much more that I just can keep up! I'm not sure the answer really I guess see what happens! Inside I feel like I'm falling apart and slowly everything is being taken awAy it's funny how vulnerable you can feel!!
I need to think of something positive to say I guess! Oh well can't think of anything! I
Will next time I'm sure! If you are reading this and thinking oh she is depressed, I'm not I'm just facing facts that this is how life is!!!
Saturday, 7 May 2011
busy busy week again!
somehting good happened though i had a cold and htought i was going to end up in my second home but i didnt so something must be imrpoving. stillnot bad infection but it seems no amount of antibiotics are gonna kill it. Oh well see what happens i guess. Finally i am organising myself at home and work and i feel like things are settling into place, i just hope it lasts, the thing that worries me the most is that i am expecting to much.
had a really horrible thing happen on friday and whilst i usually dont care if people are talking about me i thinkpeople should be more careful, aparently i live and die work, well in a way they are right but i dont do it for the reason they give!! aparently i do it to creep to management, i can asssure you this is not the case, the real reason is sometimes i am to scared to be at home, especially when i dont feel well. for some reason being at work makes me feel a bit better and knowing i have people around me that i trust makes me feel safer.
anyway tonight things are not good pain wise so have taken a bucked full of painkillers and gonna fall asleep in a minute, this probably makes no sense and i will do a better update when i feel more awake.
somehting good happened though i had a cold and htought i was going to end up in my second home but i didnt so something must be imrpoving. stillnot bad infection but it seems no amount of antibiotics are gonna kill it. Oh well see what happens i guess. Finally i am organising myself at home and work and i feel like things are settling into place, i just hope it lasts, the thing that worries me the most is that i am expecting to much.
had a really horrible thing happen on friday and whilst i usually dont care if people are talking about me i thinkpeople should be more careful, aparently i live and die work, well in a way they are right but i dont do it for the reason they give!! aparently i do it to creep to management, i can asssure you this is not the case, the real reason is sometimes i am to scared to be at home, especially when i dont feel well. for some reason being at work makes me feel a bit better and knowing i have people around me that i trust makes me feel safer.
anyway tonight things are not good pain wise so have taken a bucked full of painkillers and gonna fall asleep in a minute, this probably makes no sense and i will do a better update when i feel more awake.
Saturday, 23 April 2011
Post Created 23 Apr 2011 22:48:14
Enough Is enough!! I can't bloody sleep, cAnt bloody eat and am in agony! I seem to have hit a brick wall lately and cant move it!! I know I'm waffling and may be it's pain killer induced I'm not sure!! The not sleeping really bothers me as I'm so tired, I know this is made worse by not eating properly but I just can't and I can see how people stop eating! You just don't feel hungry after a while and the fear of chocking just makes it worse!! Dont get me wrong I do eat just not much and probably explains how I've lost weight but part of that I am pleased about ad it will do me good! As for the pain o guess I have to gt used to it and keep taking the pills!!
Well another day at work tomorrow and have a Hugh amount to do thank goodness Kate will be in as she will kick me out as and when need be!!
Maybe it's time to seriously consider hours at work! I do way over my hours every week but feel a lot is expected of me and the more that i am asked to do the more I struggle and then it becomes a vicious circle oh well
I guess time will tell!!
One good thing finally stopped throwing up it must be the vitamin d as only happens when I take it but guess I just have to persevere!!
Well enough waffling, must try sleep even if it is just a couple of hours!!
Well another day at work tomorrow and have a Hugh amount to do thank goodness Kate will be in as she will kick me out as and when need be!!
Maybe it's time to seriously consider hours at work! I do way over my hours every week but feel a lot is expected of me and the more that i am asked to do the more I struggle and then it becomes a vicious circle oh well
I guess time will tell!!
One good thing finally stopped throwing up it must be the vitamin d as only happens when I take it but guess I just have to persevere!!
Well enough waffling, must try sleep even if it is just a couple of hours!!
Another couple of weeks have passed and i feel like i have leterally not stopped.Had another appointment at southampton and was more of a catch up than anything else. He did sort out the vit d but that swas about it. Lung fuction lower than last time but i actually think things have been more stable well only one admission in 2 months which is a record for me.
Still coughing up blood which is annoying and seems to happen at the most inconvenience time, usually at work and then have to explain myself and ask for help. Thankfullt usually one of my closest friends are usually there to help mepick up the pieces however one day it all got to much and happened in a public place i ended up in tears and felt like i could not carry on anyway it was fine cleaned up and sorted and as usual you carry on. The eating is still a problem and am mostly put of eating now, fab for weight loss but not so good for energy levels which are non existant.
I also seem to be in constant pain and taking painkillers like they are going out of fashion!!
I have never been so tired as i am now but i just never sleep which is driving me slightly insane.
Things seem to get harder to cope with every day but some how you carry on i guess which i do and whilst i am determined to get on with life i have to admit i would like a little break from the constan demands that i feel are on me at the moment. If its not running around at work it is running around at home.
I thought i was going to end up in my second home last week as peak flows were down to 100 and sats 78 but thankfully nebs picked me up, i think the weather changing didnt help and chest just thought had enough, also was trying to push myself to hard i think thankfully i have a wonderful best friends who made me see sense and eventually i gave in a had a rest, its funny but the more ill i feel the more i want to do stuf but when im fine i cant be arsed to do anything.
A so for work well it is so busy at the moment and i have a to do list as long as my arm, if i didnt love my job so much and if i wasnt so bloody stubborn i think i would think about leaving as i just cant keep up with it all anymore. I have the most amazing manager who is so supportive and seems to generally care about me etc and also have the most amazing collegues who help me out loads and also give me the kick up the arse i need when im not quite acting sensibly.
I really need to thank my bestest friend she has been my rock recently and whilst i say thankyou all the time i am not sure she really knows how much i appreciate her!!
I have become a little obsesses with my gnomes that i rescued, they were in a right mess but over time they are definetly looking fab, well at least it gives me something to do that is nice and relaxing, just wish i had more time to do it.
Well that was a load of waffle but who cares it got it of my chest i guess. Now to get on with my to do list i guess before work tomorow and for the whole week, may be i need a holiday!!!
Still coughing up blood which is annoying and seems to happen at the most inconvenience time, usually at work and then have to explain myself and ask for help. Thankfullt usually one of my closest friends are usually there to help mepick up the pieces however one day it all got to much and happened in a public place i ended up in tears and felt like i could not carry on anyway it was fine cleaned up and sorted and as usual you carry on. The eating is still a problem and am mostly put of eating now, fab for weight loss but not so good for energy levels which are non existant.
I also seem to be in constant pain and taking painkillers like they are going out of fashion!!
I have never been so tired as i am now but i just never sleep which is driving me slightly insane.
Things seem to get harder to cope with every day but some how you carry on i guess which i do and whilst i am determined to get on with life i have to admit i would like a little break from the constan demands that i feel are on me at the moment. If its not running around at work it is running around at home.
I thought i was going to end up in my second home last week as peak flows were down to 100 and sats 78 but thankfully nebs picked me up, i think the weather changing didnt help and chest just thought had enough, also was trying to push myself to hard i think thankfully i have a wonderful best friends who made me see sense and eventually i gave in a had a rest, its funny but the more ill i feel the more i want to do stuf but when im fine i cant be arsed to do anything.
A so for work well it is so busy at the moment and i have a to do list as long as my arm, if i didnt love my job so much and if i wasnt so bloody stubborn i think i would think about leaving as i just cant keep up with it all anymore. I have the most amazing manager who is so supportive and seems to generally care about me etc and also have the most amazing collegues who help me out loads and also give me the kick up the arse i need when im not quite acting sensibly.
I really need to thank my bestest friend she has been my rock recently and whilst i say thankyou all the time i am not sure she really knows how much i appreciate her!!
I have become a little obsesses with my gnomes that i rescued, they were in a right mess but over time they are definetly looking fab, well at least it gives me something to do that is nice and relaxing, just wish i had more time to do it.
Well that was a load of waffle but who cares it got it of my chest i guess. Now to get on with my to do list i guess before work tomorow and for the whole week, may be i need a holiday!!!
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
really feels the desire to scream
Well it's been a while again but time just seems to run away with me! I had my endoscopy on Tuesday and can honestly say I won't be having that again! It showed loads which explains why I keep chocking it also seems to relate to other things! So that was one good thing but now I think I actually have a fear of eating!! Everytime I eat I feel sick and think I'm going to choke! Let's hope I get some answers next week when I go to Southampton!! Life seems really depressing right now and I can't seem to cope with the speed of things! Exhaustion is not the word! It's more than that I also can't be bothered which is another problem!! Lack of sleep doesn't help and there seems nothing I can do about that! Anway enough whinging Now time for bed and see what tomorrow brings!!
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
long over due update again!!!
OMG didnt realise it had been solong since i last updated this, so much has happened!!
Firstly i have had my southampton appointment at it seems there is lots of things that have been missed by the RBH, why was i not suprised!! .it seems i have very low vit d levels which is stopping me absorbing steroids well so thats one thing that needs sorting, still watiing for the prescription though as local hospital cant get hold of it and im not going back to southampton until the 13th april so lokks like i might have to wait until then. Also need a bronchoscopy as he said i have really bad reflux which is causing the aspiration and probably effecting my chest. He also changed inhalers added in new stuff and was just very reassuring and helpful. Things arent really any better and seem to be coughing up blood on a regular basis, which is kind of annoying and very messy. Also aspirating on food quite a lot so thats not very good. Other than that things remian there unsettled self bu there some hope of them getting a bit better.
Had a lovely holiday in tenerife with my best friend, it was fab, really relaxing and just what we bothe needed, only one downside, ended up in hospitak within days of getting back which has meant i now do not have a fitness to fly certificate so gonna have to work around that me thinks!!
Also been referred to occupational health so had to see them and it was ok, she say i am fit to work so thats pissed a few people of!! Not allowed to drive at work though as they are questioning sleep apneo so desperately trying ot get results of recent sleep study!!
other than all that everything carrys on as usual.
Have decided today that i can only be what i am and if people want more then that they are going to have to sod of as i cant be more!!
Now for the future well i have decicded i want to go to disneyland in paris obviously as that doesnt involve flying!! i also wont to finish my ou course and i am contemplating joing the gym as need to get a bit fitter, the only problem i am so bloody tired allthe time that i am not sure where i am going to get energy to go from but we will see.
Well enough rambling for now and to bed for me as tomorrow isanother day and as usual i have a busy day planned!!!
Firstly i have had my southampton appointment at it seems there is lots of things that have been missed by the RBH, why was i not suprised!! .it seems i have very low vit d levels which is stopping me absorbing steroids well so thats one thing that needs sorting, still watiing for the prescription though as local hospital cant get hold of it and im not going back to southampton until the 13th april so lokks like i might have to wait until then. Also need a bronchoscopy as he said i have really bad reflux which is causing the aspiration and probably effecting my chest. He also changed inhalers added in new stuff and was just very reassuring and helpful. Things arent really any better and seem to be coughing up blood on a regular basis, which is kind of annoying and very messy. Also aspirating on food quite a lot so thats not very good. Other than that things remian there unsettled self bu there some hope of them getting a bit better.
Had a lovely holiday in tenerife with my best friend, it was fab, really relaxing and just what we bothe needed, only one downside, ended up in hospitak within days of getting back which has meant i now do not have a fitness to fly certificate so gonna have to work around that me thinks!!
Also been referred to occupational health so had to see them and it was ok, she say i am fit to work so thats pissed a few people of!! Not allowed to drive at work though as they are questioning sleep apneo so desperately trying ot get results of recent sleep study!!
other than all that everything carrys on as usual.
Have decided today that i can only be what i am and if people want more then that they are going to have to sod of as i cant be more!!
Now for the future well i have decicded i want to go to disneyland in paris obviously as that doesnt involve flying!! i also wont to finish my ou course and i am contemplating joing the gym as need to get a bit fitter, the only problem i am so bloody tired allthe time that i am not sure where i am going to get energy to go from but we will see.
Well enough rambling for now and to bed for me as tomorrow isanother day and as usual i have a busy day planned!!!
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