Saturday, 23 April 2011

Post Created 23 Apr 2011 22:48:14

Enough Is enough!! I can't bloody sleep, cAnt bloody eat and am in agony! I seem to have hit a brick wall lately and cant move it!! I know I'm waffling and may be it's pain killer induced I'm not sure!! The not sleeping really bothers me as I'm so tired, I know this is made worse by not eating properly but I just can't and I can see how people stop eating! You just don't feel hungry after a while and the fear of chocking just makes it worse!! Dont get me wrong I do eat just not much and probably explains how I've lost weight but part of that I am pleased about ad it will do me good! As for the pain o guess I have to gt used to it and keep taking the pills!!
Well another day at work tomorrow and have a Hugh amount to do thank goodness Kate will be in as she will kick me out as and when need be!!
Maybe it's time to seriously consider hours at work! I do way over my hours every week but feel a lot is expected of me and the more that i am asked to do the more I struggle and then it becomes a vicious circle oh well
I guess time will tell!!
One good thing finally stopped throwing up it must be the vitamin d as only happens when I take it but guess I just have to persevere!!
Well enough waffling, must try sleep even if it is just a couple of hours!!
Another couple of weeks have passed and i feel like i have leterally not stopped.Had another appointment at southampton and was more of a catch up than anything else. He did sort out the vit d but that swas about it. Lung fuction lower than last time but i actually think things have been more stable well only one admission in 2 months which is a record for me.
Still coughing up blood which is annoying and seems to happen at the most inconvenience time, usually at work and then have to explain myself and ask for help. Thankfullt usually one of my closest friends are usually there to help mepick up the pieces however one day it all got to much and happened in a public place i ended up in tears and felt like i could not carry on anyway it was fine cleaned up and sorted and as usual you carry on. The eating is still a problem and am mostly put of eating now, fab for weight loss but not so good for energy levels which are non existant.
I also seem to be in constant pain and taking painkillers like they are going out of fashion!!
I have never been so tired as i am now but i just never sleep which is driving me slightly insane.
Things seem to get harder to cope with every day but some how you carry on i guess which i do and whilst i am determined to  get on with life i have to admit i would like a little break from the constan demands that i feel are on me at the moment. If its not running around at work it is running around at home.
I thought i was going to end up in my second home last week as peak flows were down to 100 and sats 78 but thankfully nebs picked me up, i think the weather changing didnt help and chest just thought had enough, also was trying to push myself to hard i think thankfully i have a wonderful best friends who made me see sense and eventually i gave in a had a rest, its funny but the more ill i feel the more i want to do stuf but when im fine i cant be arsed to do anything.
A so for work well it is so busy at the moment and i have a to do list as long as my arm, if i didnt love my job so much and if i wasnt so bloody stubborn i think i would think about leaving as i just cant keep up with it all anymore. I have the most amazing manager who is so supportive and seems to generally care about me etc and also have the most amazing collegues who help me out loads and also give me the kick up the arse i need when im not quite acting sensibly.
I really need to thank my bestest friend she has been my rock recently and whilst i say thankyou all the time i am not sure she really knows how much i appreciate her!!
I have become a little obsesses with my gnomes that i rescued, they were in a right mess but over time they are definetly looking fab, well at least it gives me something to do that is nice and relaxing, just wish i had more time to do it.

Well that was a load of waffle but who cares it got it of my chest i guess. Now to get on with my to do list i guess before work tomorow and for the whole week, may be i need a holiday!!!

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

really feels the desire to scream

Well it's been a while again but time just seems to run away with me! I had my endoscopy on Tuesday and can honestly say I won't be having that again! It showed loads which explains why I keep chocking it also seems to relate to other things! So that was one good thing but now I think I actually have a fear of eating!! Everytime I eat I feel sick and think I'm going to choke! Let's hope I get some answers next week when I go to Southampton!! Life seems really depressing right now and I can't seem to cope with the speed of things! Exhaustion is not the word! It's more than that I also can't be bothered which is another problem!! Lack of sleep doesn't help and there seems nothing I can do about that! Anway enough whinging Now time for bed and see what tomorrow brings!!