Tuesday, 28 August 2012

life, death and the future!!!

I have been thinking more and more about the point in this blog and reasons for it,
This blog has always been a way of me sounding of and putting my thoughts on paper, its no meant for anyone to read necessary, its more for my own way of getting things of my chest! If people wish to read it then thats fine, im sure people read it and think i am always moaning and groaning, i think it is a lot of moaning as i tend not to moan in day to day life so this is the only place that i do.

In the last two weeks i have been to four funerals, all people through work and it is sad and i feel terribly for there families and friends but such a happy release for them, i think the greatest pleasure in my job is caring for people in the last days of there lives and being such a part in such a distressing time. They always say you mustnt get to close but its hard as your caring nature takes over. death seems like such a waste of life but i guess it is just the next thing and i honestly believe that after death is whatever you want it to be, no pain, no suffering and around the people you love.
I found this lovely poem today about death and i think it is perfect

I think going to funerals also makes you very aware of your own mortality and your family around you, i feel very quilty that i dont see some of my family, mostly through lack of time and always being busy and really need to make much more of an effort to change this, life is to short and you never know when you wont have the opportunity.

On a happier note chester has completely changed things for me, as much as i hate to admit it, he has turned me soppy and soft.

He gives me a reason to get up in the morning and has the ability to make me laugh all the time, he is very playfull and as much as he is bloody ugly i do love him. I ttell him all my problems and although he has no idea what i am saying he seems to understand and gives me the look!!! He also comes to work with me, which is fab as they love him, he does need some teaching but i think we are far to soft with him.

As for my health that is a nightmare, i am on more drugs than ever and i am not sure what any one them do, i am tired all the time and this is bugging me big time. I am struggling with my hours at work but cant afford to cut them any more, its so annoying as my brain wants to do loads but my body says no. I love my job but im not sure how much longer i can cope as it is exhausting. I miss my old job and i am so jealous of watching other people doing it. I could apply for an easier job within the company but i know i would never be ok watching someone else doing my job. I am struggling with pain in my chest and it is ok with painkillers but i cant take them when working as i am tired. I guess i am lucky i work with such a fab team who all support me otherwise i would have given up a long time ago. I am waiting to take part in a research study, not that i really want to but i kind of feel something may come out of it and i may benefit in some way.

Everything at home is ok, pete is better now and i feel bad that i wasnt as supportive of hime when he was in hospital as he was me, but i was struggling with juggling everything. I think he is happy in his new job as he talks about it alot and thats a sure sign. I overheard a conversation he was having the other night where he was saying he was going to move to brighton, i am kind of hoping this is not going to happen to soon as he needs to get settled down again and sort things out, i havent asked him as i kind of think that he will speak to me if he needs to as we have an agreement where there is no secrets between us. Its his birthday on Thursday and i havent got him anything yet, i feel a rushed trip to town tomorrow or online tonight.

Oh well i havent got a lot more to moan about and chester is just ruining a flower pot and digging a hole so better go and sort him out.

Saturday, 25 August 2012

Another week over and what a long week it has been! Things seemed to have changed these days and I'm not sure why , I am tired all the time and it is exhausting! All I seem to do is work and sleep at the moment. Today is a particularly bad day just moving is making me short of breath! I really need to do some hoovering but think that may have to wait until my drugs kick in.
Peter went away for his birthday last night so me and grandad looked after smugly he was very good but awake a bit early and wanting to play!
I am getting really frustrated with my diet at the moment , I am trying hard but don't seem to lose anything, I know the steroids don't help and the fact that I struggle with exercise due to being so tired, I think I need a magic wand!!
Oh well I don't have a lot more to say at the moment I think I will try and do some washing and then build up to the hoovering, wish me luck!!!

Sunday, 19 August 2012

Sun is shining!

The sun is shining and the sky is blue, it's going to be a lovely hot day again. Yesterday I managed to sit in the garden all day and just do not a lot! Today I plan to do the same with a little bit of thrown in!
I may even have a sleep as I didnt sleep at all last night because I was in so much pain and it was quite warm! I haven't been in pain like that for ages and then it comes and kicks you in the face just to show you it is still there I think!
This week I have got lots done even though half way through the week I was getting stressed, I dealt with it and took some time out!

Oh well not a lot else to say so may go and enjoy the sunshine whilst it is here. Xxxxxx

Monday, 6 August 2012


Tonight as i lay here unable to sleep again, nothing new there!! i have been thinking how i am juggling a lot of different things at the moment and only one this falling couple make everything tumble.
I am trying to work, look after grandad, look after dog, housework, deal with my rubbish health and also
 try and have a life.
I feel like i am on a type rope waiting to fall of, im sure i will just carry on struggling along but it all seems so uncertain.
Today i was at Southampton and my lung function was no worse which was good, there was some suggestions of a new steroid sparing drug on offer but he is reluctant to prescribe as he wants to argue with st richards about this surgery again, so yet again another waiting game and i am in middle of it all.
I guess as with everything you just have to wait and see.

Oh well i have nothing really to say, more bored and annoyed that i cant sleep.


Saturday, 4 August 2012

A busy week!!

Since my last update i have been home from hospital a week and what a week it has been.
I went back to work as normal straight away and that's fine, although i am tired things are ok and i have managed to get things done this week which is better than previous weeks. I have since been told that the day before i went to hospital i was acting really odd and nearly quit my job, good job i didnt as i like my job a lot and dont want to give it up, i just wonder if it is getting a bit hard physically.
Pete is still in hospital and not sure what is going on, they dont seem to be doing much and he says he still being sick so not sure what is happening, hope they get to the bottom of it soon. I feel bad i have not visitied everyday but i have been so busy with running around and looking after the dog etc. i am trying to be patient but it is hard juggling everything,  everyone has helped me loads which is good although i hate asking for help it has been good.
Some of my friends have really done loads for me this week and i cant thank them enough.
One of mine and petes friends has been in contact every day and listened to my moaning but also helped me see things how i should really. He underestamates how good a friend he is.
My best friend has been fab as allways and this has been a hard week for have as it is the anniversary of her dads death this week, she covers it up so well but i know deep down it still hurts her a lot. I am allways here for her and her family and i hope she knows that. She is my rock allways and for that i am trually grateful.
Some other close friends have also been helping me by sorting out my drugs and putting them in the blister pack for them week as i was finding it more and more confusing so thats one thing of my mind and i am reassured that i am taking them at the correct times.
Another close friend has helped with the house which is always helpful as i just find it such hard work. Who would of thought hoovering could be so hard.
Dad and Von have been fab and helped with the dog as he was unwell and needed the vets etc.
Other people have just helped by listening to my moaning and groaning, these people are true friends.
So all in a better week.
As for health well i saw the surgeon and it is official i wont be getting the surgery they were talking about as it is just to dangerous, i am gutted but i think i knew deap down they would say no. It is a huge blow and i am hoping that on Monday when i see Southampton they will  come up with another plan. I am trying to be positive but it is getting harder. My drug list gets longer and nothing changes.
I have been looking after smugly this week and he has been so funny although i know i could never have kids, a dog is bad enough i am knackered. He was really poorly at the beginning of the week and i had to take him to the vets he is better now and don't we know it. He has so much energy and wakes up far to early for my liking. He is following me around all the time, Grandad is helping with him which is good but i dont like to put on him to much as its not fair. He does make me chuckle though and i can see how dogs make good therapy.
Oh well lets hope next week is better and pete will be better and out of hospital and i will get some energy from somewhere as well as some answers from Southampton on Monday.

I think an early night is in order, lets hope smugly agrees!!!