Oh well another week of feeling like poo and generally getting fed up with it all.
Changes need to be made i think but im not sure what for the best.
I saw my local consultant on monday and had a really good chat with him about everything, he doesnt have a lot to offer and whilst i knew he would say that i was kind of hoping he would have a magic wand. of course he didnt.  He did recommend some patches for  pain and well that was a disaster, put it on and within hours i was nearly unconscious aparently i looked like i was on drugs and was very funny. The moment i said i didnt even have the energy to breath it was taken of and thankfully i felt better in a few hours, i think i may have  to put up with the pain!!
Had ar eally horrid chest all week and it turns out after trips back and forth to hospital that i have pneumonia, steroids and antibiotics  increased and finally i think we are winning as although i am so tired i do feel a bit better. The one good things is that i have managed to stay out of hospital and that is a miracle.
I am so thankful to all those around me that have been so supportive, i really am grateful.

I have done lots of thinking this week and need to start making some changes, i think i have to try this salycilate free diet and see if it makesany difference, i also feel like i am getting really unfit i keep thinking of going swimming which i used to love but soemthing stops me, i really need to look into it this week as i feel like i have to keep myself as physically fit as possible.

Oh well  im waffling now

I want to run away and hide!!

sometimes it would be so much easier to just run away and hide for a while, the problem is this is never the solution i guess!!
It was a hard week last week and then had a big family bbq last night so i am absolutely knackered now, nice quiet day today in the hope i can build up some energy for another week.
Last week things came to a bit of a head and i finally admitted how bad i feel to someone and how sometimes it is easier to not say anything, i guess i am trying to protect other people and myself and if i dont say anything then it isnt real. I am not sure what is going to happen but fingers crosssed tomorrow there may be some answers with consultant appointment. Well we can hope anyway. A few weeks ago i was terrified of what might happen and now i kind of just dont care anymore, i need a life and at the moment i just feel like i am going through the motions but not living at all.
I feel really irritated at the moment and everything is getting to me, i am also very frustrated by the whole situation and how much i cant do at the moment, even simple things are hard work, i am lucky to have very supportive friends and i just dont tell them often enough. I just wish i could hide away from the world for a couple of days and summon up some energy from somewhere to keep going. Oh well what will be will be i guess.

I wish things were so different!!!

Why is life so cruel some times. After a very busy day and quite emotional i got in the car and song come on the radio and i was in absolute pieces. It really was everything i was thinking and how i was feeling that it hit home how things have become. I am feeling so really selfish  at the moment and thinking why me!! Life just seems to be going on in a state of unstableness which means i feel ill all the time and have somuch pain i just cant cope, i am hoping for some answers next week but i think i have given up as there doesnt ever seem to be any. Things arent as bad they were a few weeks ago wheni was very down i just wish things were so different. Right now i could screa if i had any energy but i dont. I think it is because my sleep is not good again and the nightmares have returned, fingers crossed tonight is better and then tomorrow i will feel so much better. People should be so grateful for what they have as it canbe taken away so quickly!!!

Dreams do come true!!!

It was fabulous and an absolute dream come true, have been so tried since i got home but it was well worth it.
Anton swept me of my feet and i have some lovely photos to prove it, he even tripped me over and called me a silly tart but he was lovely, the whole strictly come dancing crew and dancers were so lovely they made us feel so welcome and the show was excellent, i just wish i could do it all again. It was on the TV on Saturday and Sunday and as they say a smile says a thousand words and that is so true i have not been so happy in ages it really was fabulous.
I am so grateful to all those involved in the arranging of it and could not thank you all enough it was everything i wanted and more. Since i have been so tired and in so much pain but slowly i am getting more energy. Decisions need to be made and i know feel like i have to deal with them in my own way. Not alot else i need or want to say really just thanks to everyone that continues to be there for me, you know who you are and i am forever grateful!!

So excited!!

This time tomorrow i am of to watch strictly comr dancing and meet the love of my life anton du beke!!
I am so nervous and i dont know why!
I am not sure if i told anyone but when i was having my mad week, in the middle of it the girls at work sprung it on me that they had managed to arrange it for me and it was going to be in october but  actually its tomorrow so there has been a bit of arranging to be done, but fingers crossed we have a hotel and train all booked and it should be really good.

As for everything else, things have got a bit better mentally and i am dealing with things a bit better,i still feel a bit tiuchy and seem to get offended really easily even when i know people dont really mean it. I am really struggling with pain at the moment and seem to be taking pain killers ever hour or so, this is something i need to bring up at consultant appointment in a couple of weeks as i am not coping well with it, also struggling with oxygen levels as they seem to be loq quite a lot which is making me feel yuck. Oh well all in all things are muddling along and i have lots to think about but in the meantime i am determined to enjoy tomorrow and make it a lovely day for both of us.