Sunday, 26 February 2012

not sure what to do|

Well the last time i wrote about everything going wrong, well things got worse!
Pete moved out on Thursday, he made me so cross when you just walked out with no thought for anyone else, i'/m not sure why i was surprised but i thought he cared more than that. At the moment we aren't talking, its so silly but every time i look at my phone i hope that it is him but it isn't. I'm not go to go into two much detail as to be honest i cant be bothered.

  • This situation arising has made me think that i have taken on two much and its wearing me out quickly. 
  • I have paperwork at work building up and up.
  • I have two open university courses to work on.
  • I have loads of NVQ stuff to assess. 
  • I also have all the activity's planning at work.
  • I also have others things i am involved in but have no idea how they became my jo
All of this plus home to look after and grandad at as some point i am supposed to look after my health.

I can only see that i have two choices: work day and night to get it all done, or i give up some and admit defeat, im not sure what to do at the moment i guess time will tell.

Health wise i have really swollen joints and they are so painful even with painkillers, i just hope they get better soon!!

I have been leaning heavily on my friends later, a few in particular and thank goodness they have otherwise god know where would be. 

I feel like i want to run away at the moment and hide from the world, i know that's not the answer and should stop burying my head in the sand, i just wish i could have some time out from everything!!

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Riding te roller coaster and waiting to all off!!!

I need to get this of my chest and as this is my blog I am going to do it here!! My world is falling apart and I can see no way of holding it together!! I am struggling to manage healthwise and whist things are better on a day to day basis I am exhausted, in constant pain and reliant on drugs to keep things manageable. To add to that I am completey snowed under at work, I just seem to have more and more to do and no time to do it, it's like riding a roller coaster thats going faster and faster and you know your going to fall of but your not sure when!! I am also totally snowed under with ou and nvq work and I have no idea where to start.To add to this today my brother tells me he is moving to Wales at the weekend to live with his boy frend, well considering he said he was taking it more slowly well that is the biggest load of rubbish I have ever heard, he went to Wales last week and now s moving there with no money, no where to live and no job. I think he is being taken advantage of but my opinion means nothing. All I know is that Peter pays for everything and is now going to end up in serious debt! I am not bothered that he is going as the one thing I have learnt about him is that he does what he wants when he wants to and sod everyone else I just think moving 5 hours away is extreme and he will be left with nothing. I am also and ths may sound selfish but I am upset that he obviously has no thought for me or grandad or anyone in his family, I have no problem with living with Grandad it is something I choose to do and I could never just walk out on him but it would be nice to have some support, i guess I will get used to juggling all the jobs, work etc, my life will just be on hold I guess. Part of me wants to tell him to just go and I never want to seak to him again, I know thats Not the way I should be but at the moment I a hurting and feeling vey let down. Why is life never simple Oh well I am waffling now and I know I won't sleep tonight as my mind wont switch of but I need to try as I have a long day to work tomorrow. Right now I want to run away from the world and not return until everything is more manageable. I have to go to work in the morning and I dont want to go, I don't want to do anything! I guess as usual I will go to work, I will work over my hours, I will do 100 different things, I will help everyone I can I will come home and do everything that needs oing because I unlike others have no choice.... And I have a conscious. I was going to restrict who was oing to see this t I have decided if you dont like it then don't read it, it's my space and I will say what I want even if it offends people.

Friday, 17 February 2012

Fed up

Oh well what a week, I have now got a rash which seems to be an allergy to antibiotics, I'm desperate for them not to stop them as they are the only thing that works for me, I guess will have to wait and see. I still feel rubbish and in lts of pain but I'm guessing I just need to get used to it, although that is easier said than done. I feel like I am drowning in work at the moment not just work, but also nvq and open university stuff. I think I have got to that point where I don't know where to start so have just left it and now the deadline is almost past, I'm not sure how to catch up and feel like throwing it all away although I know that isn't the answer. One good thing about this week is I have realised how fabulous my friends are, I have been such a moody cow at times and they have stuck me, I am always grateful but this week it meant so much more. I'm not at work today as got cover and took annual leave as felt so terrible, I'm thinking I should of got signed of for a week as I'm not sure I am going to feel any better by Monday but we will see, maybe a quiet weekend will do it. I need to do some housework but to be honest even moving hurts so I'm not sure how much I can manage. I will try and do te basics just to eep things tidy. Oh well enough moaning Xxxxxx

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Well as I can't sleep I thought I would update this. This week things have gone from bad to worse over a few days, my bloods went all wrong and it seems i have very low vitamin d, low iron, low potassium and an infection. I knew things weren't good as I was tired, felt comfused and ached so badly I keep crying. So been back and forward to hospital for blood and new drugs. The hospital finally spoke to te other hospital and compared notes which means I am on some new drugs , fingers crossed the plan work. My consultant was adamant I must rest for the rest of the week which is hard because of work but I will try. I am going to go to work in the morning and see how it goes. I am doing everything else I have been told. I hope I feel better soon as I'm finding this situation unbearable and the pain is worse, every bone and muscle in my body hurts and even moving is pure agog even with masses of painkillers Oh well we will see what happens and people are going have to bear with me! As for home, I am trying hard to juggle all the jobs and go back ad forth to hospital as well as work. I am going to say this hear as ths is my blog and people don't like it then they can stop reading it. Peter has hurt me Badly, on Monday I came home and told him I needed to go to hospital and with that he went to wales he told me he was going at about half four on the phone and when I got how ten minutes later he went, I am so upset ad it showed me how much he couldn't wait to go, I knew he didn't give a fuck about his family but that was hard, not that I didn't want him to go but he could of just stayed half an hour to help me prt some things but no. Oh well we were expecting back tonight but apparently monday, I am so upset with him but I guess I know him well and he really s slsh and ony worries about he wants, I don't care what other people think this is how I feel! Oh well moan doe, I must try and get some sleep in case I go to work tomorrow Night all

Sunday, 5 February 2012

Another update

I seemed to updating this a lot this week, I guess its a way of having a good moan without actually loosing it with someone! The way I look at it is that if people chooose to read this then that is up to them,
Oh well back to work tomorrow and to say the least I am dreading it' I feel a bit better but no where near back to normal, I hate having time of as it's like being away for ever and lots of things change! This time I guess I have been lucky that I didn't end up in hospital so that's one good thing! Last night I realised how bad things are, the pain was unbearable and after taking everything I had I was in tears with it! Today I am tired but I think that is the after effect of the drugs! Oh well we will see what tomorrow brings and the rest of the week!!!!
One thing at the moment that upis really annoying is tht people say if I can help let me know or they make out that they do so much when in fact they do sod all!! I have no problems with running around fr grandad as I love him very much but I would just people to occassionalky help !! Peter is annoying me at the moment as he spends all his time in his room and justs snaps at people, I know he us fed up but It isn't are fault and he needs to know that! He a,so told someone that his plans that isn't work were his way out of here well no one is holding him here and he go anytime, like I have said before he needs to get a good job then he can have his own place etc, I'm not going to argue with him as I can't be bothered but he needs to start thinking!!!

Oh well once again this has been a place to rant! I am of to have a nap I think!!!!


Saturday, 4 February 2012

Ever had one of those days when you burst into tears for now reason, well today is one of those days, not having a good day, a mixture of being tired and being in pain means i am feeling short tempered. I am trying hard to not take it out on those around me unlike other people in this house.

Health wise things are a bit naff still but I feel a bit better than the beginning of the week so i think things have moved on a bit, the drugs are finally working so i guess another day or two and i will be so much better.I am really thankful for having such a fab gp who helped me loads yesterday and was willing to work with me to stay at home and not end up in hospital.
Finally got my ou essay written yesterday and submitted what i am sure is going to be rubbish but at least it is something rather than nothing. Now got to start working on the next one but not today.

I am a bit fed up with myself and feel like i have let someone down that is close to me, after lots of discussion some plans we had are going to happen and once again this my fault, i know she understands i think and it would of been a huge risk at the moment.
Oh well i dont have a lot more to add and feel so tired that i think i am of for a little sleep


Thursday, 2 February 2012

oh well, what a week

Oh what a week, i really feel the need to have a good moan and as this is my space i think i am going to.

Health wise things are officially rubbish. It all started with me feeling a bit yucky last weekend which i put down to overdoing it and working to hard but this soon appeared to not be the case. So after coughing up lots of blood and gunk of i went to the doctors on monday and saw the nurse i always see. She was not happy with the way things were and said i have a nasty chest infection which was probably pneumonia and the pain was pleurisy. So with strict instructions to go home and rest and with more antibiotics and pain killers and to got a and e if i felt the slightest bit worse. So once i have been over to work and explained the situation that is pretty much all i have done this week. I went back today and feeling a bit better than monday, still not having much sleep due to pain and when she listened to me chest she said that it sounded a bit better but the air entry was rubbish,  after lots of discussions i have to go for an xray and blood tests and carry on as i am, she thinks i will need iv antibiotics as the sample showed nasty bugs but we agreed to wait  until after the weekend and see if the antibiotics can clear it a bit more. I am so gutted that i have been this poorly again as i had been so well for a couple of months and thought that things may have settled down, i guess this could just be a blip and it is winter after all which is always a bad time. I am so tired and exhausted i wonder when i will get better and i think me and the doctor are worried that the lung will collapse a little bit again as i felt like this last time, oh well will have to wait and see i guess and until then do what i am told. I am of to see the gastro team next week and i really need them to be proactive so fingers crossed they are this time.

As for work i have really enjoyed working on care and whilst it is hard work and i am not going to do it long term for a while it is nice, i am also still working on activities so i am getting the best of both worlds at the moment. Work have been fab this week about me being of, i worry far to much about leaving them short and i also worry to much about what people think. I am sure people are saying that i should not work on care and whilst they may be right at times i have to live my life and work is an important part of that for. I would rather live a shorter life but do what i want, rather than do nothing and live for ages.I just wish my lungs would get a grip and not make everything so difficult. Nvq stuff is finally coming along and the one thing about having this week of i can work on that, As for open university i was ready to give up at the beginning of the week as i am so behind but my tutor convinced me i ca catch up and it will be worth it int he end.

As for home, Peter is upset and i wont go into the whys and whats, all i will say i would love to give someone a piece of my mind and if they lived closer i would. I feel sorry for Pete as he has been hurt but he does make me cross as he snaps at grandad and he doesn't understand why. It is like walking on egg shells and grandad moans at me, i guess i am playing piggy in the middle. I was a bit upset when one of our friends said that pete thought that his plans were the excuse to get out of here, that upset me as he is not held here and as i have told him before he can go anytime and no one is holding him here. He is in-charge of his own destiny , that is all i am going to say for now

Oh well i am so thankful for all those around me and my best friend has been my pillar of strength in the past week or so, she means more to me than i can express. she also has been so understanding than she should have to. Oh well i need to talk to her later as i need to tell her somethings that are going on and how some plans we have may not happen quite when we want them to

signing of today