Monday, 25 June 2012

Just breath!!

I'm updating this after a really stressful weekend, lots of things have gone on and I can't really say much on here as it wouldn't be fair, I don't want to go through it again so best not to. I have been hurt and I will never understand how things got to this point and I just hope things are moving forward now and everyone sorts themselves out.
I have not been feeling great recently and been back and forth to doctors, the Antibiotics have made me so sick and tired and but have taken them as I was told to, on Friday I went to pick up my prescription and my gp asked to speak to me he didn't think the antibiotics were really making much difference from xray and blood results, he was also worried that my heart isn't working so well which is why I have swollen ankles and am do breathless, we had a real heart to heart conversation and he told me to go home and think through a few things and see him today. I have to admit I chickened out this morning but did go later in the day. It was actually ok with the nurse sticking by me and saying I wasn't ready to give up so they should try and treat everything. He is going to arrange a multi disciplinary meeting to discuss everything so hopefully that will help things. I got a massive lecture about taking it more easy and trying to not get stressed about things, what a joke with everything going in my life. I am going to have to speak to work tomorrow but I feel like such a failure as I hate giving in. Sometimes I just wish I had a magic wand.
Oh well tonight I am looking after Chester as Peter is at work and he has really cheered me up, he is so funny and actually it's quite nice him being here.

Oh well not much more to say at the moment I just wish I had a magic wand it would sort everything out!!!!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Can't sleep and to many worries!!!

Well as you can see its 3 o clock in the morning and this body of mine has decided that it only needs an hours sleep well I have news for it! I am so tired and this does not help. I am still taking the different antibiotics and it us taking its toll with the being sick, they also make me do tired which is horrid, still 9 days to go so by the end god knows what state I will be in.

I have got myself in a pickle about lots of things and just need to get it of my chest so hear goes.
I am worried about Peter as I know he's fed up about his job and situation, I also know that he is having a hard time I just wish he would chill out abut and not get so cross with everyone as a times him and grandad are arguing and I am stuck in the middle, I don't cope we'll with it when I am tired. Chester is settling in well now and I have to say I am quite fond if him, he makes be smile and gives life some meaning..
That's home and it's ok.

I am worried about a friend of mine as I am close to her and they are having a hard time as a family, I am doing my best to help but there us only so much I can do.
I am also worried about Kate as it was fathers day at the weekend although she says she is fine I am never really sure she is as I think she forgets I know her do well and I see through her everything is fine act. I just wish I could be there for her more but at the moment just getting up is hard work .

As for work it is tough, I really have to start saying no as I seem to have a million jobs today and it's to much, I like to be busy but the constant pain and being sick makes it hard. Yesterday I broke down in tears in the office as it just got to much and I felt like I couldn't cope. I hate admitting defeat but I think I am going to have to.

I also have to admit defeat with my medication. It took mr two hours to sort it out at the weekend as there is just do much, I try and get a weeks worth ready then it's done but it confuses me when I am do tired and I find it hard to sort out, don't read this as I am not having it, I am it's just it's turning into a nightmare sorting it out every week, another job I could do without it.

Finally why are people do insensitive, yesterday I was told that I had put in weight and whilst I have a little bit, I wish people would keep there mouth shut, they should try taking huge amount of steroids and try and lose weight, god knows I try and some days. I Hardly eat also with being so suck it's hard to even keep food in.
One final thing I saw a friends beautiful baby yesterday and she is lovely, I was so jealous of her, I know I always say I don't like children, I do really I think I say that to try and convince myself.. I wish my situation was so much different but it's not so I need to get on with it.
Oh well enough moaning From me at stupid I clock in the morning

Friday, 15 June 2012

I have given in and taken some time of work to see if I can feel any better than I do! I think they have finally found the antibiotics that might work so for the next 14 days I have to endure being sick but as long as it gets rid of these bugs I don't mind.

I really need the people around me to care at the moment as I am struggling with life in general, I have no energy to do simple things! My best friend is the most fabulous person and is always there, I'm not sure she knows how bad I feel about always being Unwell and not being able to do the things we used to do.
I wish sometimes people would just do things without me having to keep asking, I know everyone has there own problems and I appreciate that but I always seem to be there for other people but when I need them it seems like a battle, this isn't aimed at anyone in particular it's just a general feeling.

Last night I had the same text message from two people who mean very much to me! It was one of those chain messages which I know aren't personal but it meant alot, it says about being strong and carrying a burden, I actually cried when I read it as it hit a nerve I think, I wish I was strong on the inside, I am fab at putting on an act and always showing I can deal with anything and not letting it get to me. The truth is im not, I feel like my life is bring ripped away from me and sometimes I feel like giving up, I know there are people out there much worse than me and I appreciate that, it just doesn't make it any easier to deal with sometimes. Anyway I am waffling now!!
I have decided for the next two days I am doing very little , let's see if that happens!

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Very fed up!!

This blog is starting to turn into a real place of me moaning and to be honest it was never meant for that really but it's my blog so I am going to use it as I feel useful at the moment, it is the one place I can let of steam so here goes.

My lungs hate me and I now have really nasty bugs growing and it doesn't seem to matter what antibiotics I take they just don't work, I am also really suffering with pain which I can't deal with it unless I take so many pain killers that I can't function. I hate asking people for help but right now I need it more than ever. Even simple things are hard work and I just wish people would help without me having to beg them to..

I'm not going to work today as I feel so unwell and need to wait and see if the antibiotics start working. I have just heard from my gp and he wants to speak to me later about my results so we will see what else he can offer, I saw the nurse yesterday and she was fab, really understanding my situation and wanted to help. Tomorrow I am due to be seen again so we will see.

I am really fed up as well and kind of feel life is hard work at the moment with little to offer.
Oh well whinge over and time to go and please everyone else by doing the housework etc.


Saturday, 9 June 2012

Well i have been home from hospital a week now and it seems recovery is a lot slower than usual.
I have had a busy week at work and home, the queens jubilee meant that i had lots on at work, it was really lovely but hard work at the same time, i am really lucky that everyone at work got involved and were brilliant at helping. I always count my blessings that people at work always help me and i know i wouldnt be able to stay in my job without them.  The whole jubilee was lovely and made everyone proud to be british i think. 

I am really struggling health wise, since i was discharged from hospital i still have an infection and have just had some results showing that i have pseudamonas infection so more antibiotics for me, the last few days i have been in agony with my chest, they say it is pleurisy all i know is i feel like i am having a heart attack, every time i breath in i could cry with pain. I am taking as many painkillers as i can and even they don't last for long. It has ruined my plans this weekend and has meant i have let people down, which annoys me as i hate my health getting in the way. The other problem is i am so tired i could sleep all the time now and even doing little things is hard work, i hope it is just the infection and over time things will improve if not i have no idea what will happen. I am at that stage where i am to tired to do things but i dont want to give them up either as that would make me feel like such a failure.

I am so fed up with it all at the moment and just cant snap out of it but its harder than people think. 
I also hate letting people down and having to rely on others, one of my biggest things is i dont ask for help and then struggle to do it myself and half kill myself doing it.  I am so lucky that i have some very close friends who i think know how hard things are for me and always step in if necessary, i just some people that are closer to me could see it and just do simple things that need doing before i have to ask them, oh well i guess thats life.

I have been thinking alot and people that i have not seen or spoke to for ages, i know i should make more of an effort to maintain contact buts its hard and there expectations are sometimes more than i can manage. I am going to make every effort this week to try and do something about this, i just hope they understand and can see it from my point of view.

Anyway i am waffling now as i dont have anything interesting to write. 
I think its time for more pain killers and a little sleep and hope that makes me feel better


Saturday, 2 June 2012


Well this Morning reality has hit big time about what has happened this week.

I am going home today and I can't wait I always took for granted what I had and I never will again. When I came to hospital I had no idea how poorly I was, I guess you get so used to that it's normal to feel rubbish. I dont honestly remember much So maybe that was my body's way of coping. Anyway when Peter and Kate arrived they looked really worried as they had been told to get here as soon as possible. Thanks to the NHS they responded so quickly they literally saved my life. I think i need some time to recuperate and get my head around things. Dying is not an option for me yet so I intend to live every day as its my last, I also intend to tell the people closest to me how much I love them. Peter has been fab this week and I can't thank him enough. Kate has been a star as always and takes it all in her stride.
I think recovering is going to take a few days as I am exhausted doing nothing ..
Life goes on and thank god it does, I'm just glad I am out of here today as I am feeling better than I was and being here is not helping much now.