Wednesday, 30 November 2011


It seems like ages since i have updated this but thought i would today as a way of getting a few things of my chest.
Things are not going well and i am being irritated really easy at the moment and i am not sure why. I have started some new drugs which are making me feel sick and absolutely exhausted, Methotrexate and doxyclyine are there names and part of me thinks its not worth it for the side effects however from a chest point of view it is much better so i am kind of stuck at the moment and hopefully things will get better.
I am finding work really tough, partly due to it being the most busiest time of the year for me but also because i am so tired. I also feel like i am being pulled in a hundred different directions and whilst i don't mind i just get so behind with my work and then i end up panicking over it. I also feel like someone that i used to be quite close to is always getting cross with me for no real reason and i end up being really upset, i know its me being daft and i just need to get a grip but  I am not really coping with it all and i have no one to tell so just have to keep going i guess. I guess my body will tell me when it has enough.
I have stopped my counselling as i wasn't finding it helpful, I'm still taking the anti depressants but they don't seem to be doing such a good job but then again that could be just because i am so tired, i am also having problems with being bothered to do things and have started to dread going out and even going to work again, i also feel quite paranoid again so maybe the counselling was doing something i don't know.
I am not sure what the future holds but what will be will be i guess.
As for home i am not going to go into to much details but things are not good and i feel like just running away from it all but that's not possible so I'm kind of stuck really.
Oh well not a lot else to whinge about and hopefully by the next time i post here things will be a little bit different


Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Tired,  in pain and very fed up tonight. why is life never simple. I'm just whinging and need to wind my neck in i think!!
I have had a really busy week and there seems no end in sight for at least the rest of this week. I cant sleep which is not helping so fingers crossed tonight i will get some sleep.
I feel like i have a million jobs today and-no actual chance to get it done and now don't know where to start
Oh well enough whinging, im of to bed to see if  i can at least get an hours sleep.

Friday, 11 November 2011

It seems to be ages since i have written on here, not sure why just been so busy.
I warn you know and i am not sure if anyone actually reads this but this is going to be moaning post as i feel like i need to let of steam and this may be a good place. My counsellor always says people dont know how you feel unless you tell them and that is true however some times even telling people doesnt help.

Been a busy few weeks and am full of mixed emotions as the moment. On a positive note i had a horrid cold and i never ended up in hopsital so that was fabulous. After this i had an appointment at southampton this week and i was kind of thinking things had improved however it seems i was so wrong. My lung function was appauling and he was really worried, he thinks i need to be resting more and taking it easy which i find impossible. I am starting some new treatments this weekend and know the side effects can be bad so going to wait and see what happens. at least i dont have to work this weekend as i am exhausted. I hate being constantly in pain and so tired but i guess this is the future and i am not sure anyone really understand.  I guess what makes it harder is i dont look ill so people just dont get it, i just wish sometimes they could look beyond that see that inside i am falling apart. At least i dont feel so depressed now so thats one positive thins, i guess fingers crossed the new drugs work.
I am trying so hard at work to keep going and do all i can but i am finding it hard and i hate to admit it. What i find harder is working all day and then doing it all again when i get home, it seems like i am being pulled in a hundred dufferent directions and everyone wants something at the time. Today is a prime example of that and whilst i am not going into to much detail as i dont want things being misunderstood i could really do with some help sometimes, i wont ever get it so i guess we carry on as we are. At work today i realised how much i miss my old job and how much i have given up, which was hard and meant i had a little cry on the way home.
I am completely bogged down with OU work and NVQ work and i am not sure how to sort it out but do plan on doing some this weekend and then next week so fingers crossed i catch up soon. It seems never ending at the moment and my to do list just gets longer.

Oh well i guess i have lots to be thankful for and i have lovely friends around me, i also have a good job and understanding company so all in all things arent that bad, i ithink i am just exhausted and need to take it easy this weekend, so other than housework, shopping, washing etc etc i might get five minutes rest this weekend!!!