Saturday, 28 July 2012


Why do people have to be so bloody awkward! I am currently waiting for my discharge letter but the pharmacist seems intent on making it difficult as she wants to argue about the drugs I take!! Oh well at least I am out of here today as I feel loads better
I have spoken to several people and one person in particular told me that I was really odd on monday and was trying to make some bizarre decisions , I can't say I remember much about it and glad they saw through it. I worry a bit as I didn't feel unwell just very tired a bit off colour. Oh well maybe next time someone can point me in the right direction.
If it doesn't rain it pours in our house, Peter is in hospital after his colonoscopy as he was in a lot of pain, as a result poor smugly has been moved from pillow to post but hopefully today he will be ok when I get him home, not that I can walk him but far so he will have to bear with me. I hope Peter gets out soon as he starts his new job on Tuesday and he needs to go.

Oh well not a lot else to say apart from how much I appreciate what people have done for me this week, I am more grateful than you would ever know x x x x. X x. X. X

Thursday, 26 July 2012

Life is so precious!

As I type this I am residing in my local hospital.
I think it had been building up for a few days as over the weekend I didn't feel great, then Monday I was tearful and so tired, to the point where I was in bed by 6pm, on Tuesday morning I woke up with a funny cough and just feeling yuck. Something in my head was saying that I needed to get to doctors. Bd maybe have steroids increased or change antibiotics. Well I got an appointment and saw the nurse she was really lovely as usual but new I wasn't well, she called the doctor and then an ambulance and I was in a and e very quickly, then to the assessment ward and now on the respiratory ward. Feeling better, just exhausted now, it's funny when just breathing makes you tired out. I was hoping to be out today but they want my peak flow way up from what it is so not sure how long that will take. Today I am to tired to argue with then but tomorrow I will as I am not staying in here the weekend. I am surrounded by two old ladies that need to be loved in a nursing home but in fortunately they will probably die in a hospital where the nurses just gave the time to give them one on one care! It breaks my heart to watch them, don't get me wrong they are being cared for but there is no privacy here for them and in the final moments of life that is so important. Another lady spends her whole time shouting as she is lonely, she is so sweet and just needs love and understanding. Another patient has been here forever it seems and has no intention of going home. Funny how the world goes round. This ward is my usual ward and it's nice because they know me but what drives me mad is when they say things like 'you just couldn't keep away' like anyone would choose to be here! I know they mean it as a joke but it's not funny when you have heard it twenty times before. .
Oh well tomorrow is a new day and I hope to be out of here and back to normal life, I think I have to get the ward sister to tell them I am ok as she knows me well and will be ok at home..
Oh well unless I am driven mad tonight with people shouting I wont be updating this until I get home in the comfort of my own surroundings oh and with smugly who I miss so much!!!!!!

Sunday, 22 July 2012

why, why, why!!!

Why is everything such an effort today? do people really understand? How much longer can things carry on like this?
These are all questions i have running around my head tonight.
My arm hurts, my lungs hate me and everything seems such an effort, and its Sunday and back to work tomorrow.
I went out on Friday night and had the funnies night but then i have spent two days recovering from it. I think back to the times when i could go out and then just carry on as normal, i just get to tired these days and it bloody annoys me.
I have hardly done anything for the past five days as i couldn't go to work as i had partially dislocated my shoulder and had to rest it, the thing is now i dont want to go back to work,i know everyone gets used to having time of but this feels different. I dont feel like i can actually manage everything anymore and whilst i used to love going to work and i still do to a point it is such hard work and i am exhausted by lunch time. Its not just tired it is pure exhaustion. I dont feel like i give 100% anymore as i just cant manage it. I get by i guess and i have to as we need the money but i wonder how much longer i can carry on fooling myself and everyone around me. I need a sit down job and one that starts and finishes at work as i just cant manage all the extra, im just not sure this job exists for me. I guess time till tell and until i can find something i have to carry on as i am.
I think my lungs are just grumpy today as its warm and humid. I just cant get a deap breath, my peak flows are only 150 which is not good for me and i am just tired, i guess an early night might help. My arm is also driving me mad as it hurts, but having it in a sling is a nightmare as i cant do much.
I also wonder how much people understand, i have never asked for extra help but sometimes i should, i spend so much time trying to cover up how i feel and really i want to be screaming for help.
This is turning into a really whingy post and i know things will not change unless i change them.
I think i need to think about things and decide what i can and cant do and then try and work from there. I guess one of the problems is one day i feel like i have loads of energy and could do anything and others just walking to the car is an effort.
Oh well an early night is needed i thing


Saturday, 14 July 2012

Smugly went for his first official hair cut today and he now looks gorgeous!! I have attached his picture to show him off!! He is so lovely and I am completely in love with him!!

I still have back ache and even with a ton of painkillers it still hurst! The painkillers are also making me feel quite breathless so going to have to try and take less!! I'm do tired I need sleep but that seems impossible.

I'm worrying a lot at the moment and the person concerned knows I am. I wish I could do more to help him but as I have told him many times he is responsible for his own destiny and no one can make decisions for him. He needs to find a job desperately so that he has money and something to do, this would mean he could do things and not be bored! I hope he sorts things out quickly as the situation is getting everyone down, one way or another. He knows I will back him up whatever happens.
Oh well enough gabbling in here, I think another few chapters of fifty shades of grey and then of to try and sleep!!


I am updating this at stupid I clock as I have hurt my neck and back! It is agony, the doctor I saw about it today was brilliant. He wanted to sign me of work two weeks but I said no!! He gave me some tramadol, codeine and paracetamol. This has helped the pain a bit but I am itching like mad!!!

Sunday, 8 July 2012

It's seems a long time since I have updated this, today is one of those days where I could either scream or burst in to tears!!

Life at the moment seems full of problems or challenges and I want to run away from it all. Instead of running away I guess I need to deal with them.
I have a to do list as long as my arm and no idea where to start, people seem to pile jobs on top with no thought to how I am supposed to get it done. I have nvq assessing to do but can't be bothered, that's the opinion everyone else has so why shouldn't I! I have stacks of work to do and it just builds up and up. Last night I actually felt guilty I wasn't catching up and it's my day of, that is ridiculous so I have decided no work st home during the weekend, I don't mind during the week but I need days of to recover and recuperate!

Health wise things are naff, I have been trying so hard to put on a front and it seems to have worked to a point, that is for the people that don't know me well.
The truth is I feel terrible all the time but have to get on with things, I am tired and I hurt but it doesn't stop people putting demands on to me, I guess I am my own worst enemy as I should say something but I can't, I feel like such a failure sometimes. I am awaiting more test results and then decide whether I can manage any more antibiotics for these stupid bugs. I had my ph study and the nurse said that it showed masses of acid and she was surprised that I have so few symptoms, I'm hoping this will sway the surgeon in a few weeks time to do something! I saw my local consultant who was nice and sympathetic to my situation but said there was little he could offer. He is concerned that my heart is working so hard because my lungs aren't I guess so he is referring me to cardiologist! We will see I guess, the good thing was I had a cold and it didn't cause to many problems.

I seem to be stuck in the middle of trying not to rely on other people at the moment but at the same time people seem to be relying on me for lots and I know I can't help them to much even if I try! I am thankful for having supportive family and friends and sometimes wish they would just wrap their arms around me and tell me everything will be on, if only life was that simple.

One good thing that has happened lately is Chester moving in, here makes me laugh every day and does cheer me up, stupid dog!!!

I am really worried about a couple of people in my life and wish I could do more, if only I knew what to do I guess that would help, if only fairy god mothers existed!

On Tuesday we are starting chub club at work, I really want to lose some weight so I'm hoping this will be what I need! It's not a competition but just encouraging one another!

As I have hardly slept this week I think an early night is needed so it's Wimbledon final, dinner and bed for me, or that is the plan, I can dream cant I.

X x x