Thursday, 29 November 2012

when will things change!!!

I am wondering when my life becomes easier! I have yet another chest infection and Had numerous drugs today so that I can avoid admission, we kind of have a plan so fingers and toes crossed that it works!!  I have the next three days of so hopefully that will give me some time to feel better!!

one good thing! last night I went to see nativity 2 with Kate,  Pete and Scott and it was fabulous I haven't laughed so much in ages!!

oh well I'm tired and i need sleep so I'm of to try!

Sunday, 25 November 2012

new day

Yesterday was a bad day in many ways so today I have woken up after thinking about it all night and decided that things have to change!!! yesterday I didn't feel well so that didn't help however thats not unusual!!! Pete annoyed me as he was working till 4 then he text me to say he would be later! so I waited all day to go shopping and then went on my own anyway, not usyally a problem but as my joints hurt so much it was agony!! he was supposed to be at football today whichwould of meant he would of been around tohelp at home today! he then says he is going to work today which is ridiculous as he had already covered!! I know he Is trying to Make a good impression at work as he wants them to keep him on  after Christmas I understand that!! what I don't understand is he told me they had already sorted his contract out!! so who knows what is going on!!! Then the icing on the cake was that he went out last night apparently for 10 minutes which turned into an hour and a half! I know that pete needs a life and i actually think he has quite a good one!! i know he is used to having his own place but that didnt work out and when it all went wrong I bailed him out, in ret urn he Is throwing it all back in my face!! i look after chestw everyday and i love him to bits which i have to admit!! the  problem is if I say anything to  pete he will use chester  to upset me more! i just wish sometimes he would ask and not presume i can have him all the time! i dont mind taking him to work  as the residents  love him and so do the staff just sometimes  i find it hard to get on with things becauae i have to watch him all the tIme!! he has a life I gave Mine up a long time a go and feel like I am only here to cook , clean etc etc!!! I also hate the way he had become so selfish and speaks to everyone like a piece of shit!! if I hear him speak to grandad like he is a piece of shit one more time I will say something to him! I'm surprised he has any friends the way he talks to them! he seems to be obsessed with being gay and puts on this act!! he needs to get a grip as he is the only one that has a problem with it in my eyes!! oh well rant over!!  another situation annoyed me, its reallycomplicated !  I'm not going to whinge anymore as it is boring!!
so I have decided that from now on I am not going to be walked all over and made to feel like I am only  here to cook, clean, do washing and generally look after everyone!! I know its my own  fault as I don't find it easy to Say no! I also think that people have no right to hurt other people's feelings!! oh well I ha've some DecIsisons to make about what I'm going to do! I think I'll have some breakfaSt first!!!

Saturday, 24 November 2012

A mixed week!!!!

This blog seems to be me always moaning and groaning and to be honest I don't care! At least if I do it here people don't have to listen to it all the time!!
This week has been very mixed, good in some ways but very bad in others!! Lets start with the good I have achieved lots at work, things have been finished, christmas organised and generally I am more organised than I have ever been. I know it sounds sad but at least if I end up poorly or in hospital everything will still happen and I won't feel so guilty! I'm hoping that wont happen and I will just benefit from being so organised!! Now for the not so good part of my week! As you know from my last post I have been having severe pain in my joints and couldn't sleep or do much at all! Well I have no idea how I have got through a while week at work feeling like this, especially yesterday when we had a huge power cut and I ended up staying on all day and worked bloody hard! It goes with the job you can't walk out in the middle if a crisis no matter how horrible you feel!!
It seems the symptoms are down to retaining fluid around from steroid use! Anyone that would ever want to stay in steroids must be mad I would give anything to get of them they are evil and whilst they are life saving the side effects from long term use are awful, I could go on and on but I won't as it gets boring after a while!!
Anyway I am hoping changing some drugs and taking regular pain relief will help soon! I'm going back to the gp next week if no better to see if there is anything he can offers, I'm sure they can't but its worth a try!!
I was hoping this weekend I could do nothing but there's no chance of that! I sometimes wish people would give me a break and when they keep saying you need to rest they would actually let me. I know I am my own worst enemy and will do anything for anyone but sometimes I wish I could say no and not feel so guilty and then end up doing it anyway! I have half done the housework and sorted out my meds for this week so just a few more jobs to do which include washing, hoovering, shopping and a few other things! Oh we'll I think that's enough whinging for now so may as well pull my socks up and get things done! I think tomorrow afternoon I will have an opportunity to sit and do nothing! Oh no I will have to cook dinner and sort out other people I expect!!

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Silently screaming!!!

I am going to silently scream on here!!! Aaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!
That's made me feel a bit better!! I have never had such bad pain in my joints!!! Every bone, joint and basically any part of my body that can move hurts, I don't just mean ache I mean really hurt!! I have quite a high pain threshold but this is horrible! I am also covered in bruises which hurt!! I know it is probably the steroids I am taking but I have never had it this bad, I am taking maximum painkillers with still little relief! I am trying so hard to not go of sick at work as I have so much going on! The problem is I can't function without taking lots of pain relief but then I feel to doppy to do much! I actually don't know what to do for the best.
I think I have tried so hard to cover up when I feel like poo that I actually manage it quite well, the problem is people don't seem to realise when I sat I'm having a bad time that I really am!! My own fault I guess but I just wish people could give me a break from the demands that they make on me!! I'm whinging now so I will stop!! I'm not expecting to sleep again tonight but I do wish if there is such a thing as a fairy godmother that she will come and take away some of this pain or alternatively shoot me and put me out of my misery!!!

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Another Sunday!!

Well it's Sunday morning and I have been woken up by smugly with one of my socks in his mouth!! I think he tips trying to tell me that are going to work, bless him I need to teach him about the weekends!!

Have had a really busy week as last Sunday I have rememberance day balloon release at work which was brilliant! It seems such a fitting tribute!!
This week I have been really busy with one thing and another! I did a training day at work which I was so nervous about but it was actually ok! Then on Friday was children in need! We all went to work in our pjs which was brilliant and everyone had a great time!
Health wise I'm tired but my lungs are behaving them self for a changes! I seem to have swollen legs and covered in bruises but I think this is just down to long term pred which is bloody evil! I keep thinking I want to try and stop it but I know I can't really as my body would not cope!! I wish I was never started on it long term as the side effects are awful and I hate it!! I am still trying to lose weight but it just seems impossible, it is so frustrating !!!!

Life in general is ok I seem very radial irritated at the moment but I think that is just general people saying and doing stupid things! One of my close friends really upset me on Thursday with something she said and I can see her point but she wouldn't listen to my side of what I was trying to say!! It all seems a bit trival now but like I have said many times before 'people will forget what you say, people will forget what you did but people won't forget the way you made them feel'
Kate is poorly and I worry about her , she has actually listened to me for once and taken a day of work, that has to be a first!! Hoping she feels better soon!!

Home seems like hard work at the moment with one thing and another, I wish people wouldn't tell grandad things that they know nothing about as it just causes him to moan and us to have to put up with his mood, I guess some people just like to try and stir up trouble, personally I couldn't be bothered!!

Oh we'll before I go of on a rant I think I need to leave it there!! Me and smugly are having a day at home doing nothing!! Apart from the ton of paperwork I need to catch up on but at least I can do that on the sofa!!!

Friday, 9 November 2012

Finally a better end of the week!

After weeks of feeling really poorly with no energy and generally feeling yuck, the second part of this week i have actually felt better,i just hope it lasts. I have had a really productive week at home and work so thats good. At the beginning of week i felt like things would never be any better and that i just had to get used to the way things were, im not sure if things have changed or is it just i have changed my mental attitude about things, who knows. I am getting a bit fed up with people using me but then again i am letting them do it and i need to tell people no! easier said than done i know. I have a busy weekend planned as i am trying to get organised with lots of things that are coming up. Oh well i just wanted to post a positive post for a change as this blog was becoming quite negative which is not really like me!

Thursday, 1 November 2012


Not sure how I feel tonight, unsettled is the word I think!
My lungs are behaving much better and I have certainly had a nice restful week, I think I am worrying about returning to normality next week! In looking forward to going to work in one way but dreading it in another! I know everyone feels like that but today someone openly asked me if I was capable of working full time, of course I got all defensive a said yes! Deep down I'm not sure though! My job is very physically and emotionally demanding and I have to admit I find it hard but at the same time I work as part of a great team who back me, I am always thankful for that! I have the opportunity of transferring roles in the company but the new role is not me at all, I just wonder if sometimes we have to take a direction we wouldn't usually take!!
My pain levels are as high as they have ever been tonight so I have dosed up on every painkiller I have, that probably isn't helping how I feel!!
Oh well I need to try and get some sleep as I have a few things to do tomorrow

Night world xx