Enough Is enough!! I can't bloody sleep, cAnt bloody eat and am in agony! I seem to have hit a brick wall lately and cant move it!! I know I'm waffling and may be it's pain killer induced I'm not sure!! The not sleeping really bothers me as I'm so tired, I know this is made worse by not eating properly but I just can't and I can see how people stop eating! You just don't feel hungry after a while and the fear of chocking just makes it worse!! Dont get me wrong I do eat just not much and probably explains how I've lost weight but part of that I am pleased about ad it will do me good! As for the pain o guess I have to gt used to it and keep taking the pills!!
Well another day at work tomorrow and have a Hugh amount to do thank goodness Kate will be in as she will kick me out as and when need be!!
Maybe it's time to seriously consider hours at work! I do way over my hours every week but feel a lot is expected of me and the more that i am asked to do the more I struggle and then it becomes a vicious circle oh well
I guess time will tell!!
One good thing finally stopped throwing up it must be the vitamin d as only happens when I take it but guess I just have to persevere!!
Well enough waffling, must try sleep even if it is just a couple of hours!!
Saturday, 23 April 2011
Another couple of weeks have passed and i feel like i have leterally not stopped.Had another appointment at southampton and was more of a catch up than anything else. He did sort out the vit d but that swas about it. Lung fuction lower than last time but i actually think things have been more stable well only one admission in 2 months which is a record for me.
Still coughing up blood which is annoying and seems to happen at the most inconvenience time, usually at work and then have to explain myself and ask for help. Thankfullt usually one of my closest friends are usually there to help mepick up the pieces however one day it all got to much and happened in a public place i ended up in tears and felt like i could not carry on anyway it was fine cleaned up and sorted and as usual you carry on. The eating is still a problem and am mostly put of eating now, fab for weight loss but not so good for energy levels which are non existant.
I also seem to be in constant pain and taking painkillers like they are going out of fashion!!
I have never been so tired as i am now but i just never sleep which is driving me slightly insane.
Things seem to get harder to cope with every day but some how you carry on i guess which i do and whilst i am determined to get on with life i have to admit i would like a little break from the constan demands that i feel are on me at the moment. If its not running around at work it is running around at home.
I thought i was going to end up in my second home last week as peak flows were down to 100 and sats 78 but thankfully nebs picked me up, i think the weather changing didnt help and chest just thought had enough, also was trying to push myself to hard i think thankfully i have a wonderful best friends who made me see sense and eventually i gave in a had a rest, its funny but the more ill i feel the more i want to do stuf but when im fine i cant be arsed to do anything.
A so for work well it is so busy at the moment and i have a to do list as long as my arm, if i didnt love my job so much and if i wasnt so bloody stubborn i think i would think about leaving as i just cant keep up with it all anymore. I have the most amazing manager who is so supportive and seems to generally care about me etc and also have the most amazing collegues who help me out loads and also give me the kick up the arse i need when im not quite acting sensibly.
I really need to thank my bestest friend she has been my rock recently and whilst i say thankyou all the time i am not sure she really knows how much i appreciate her!!
I have become a little obsesses with my gnomes that i rescued, they were in a right mess but over time they are definetly looking fab, well at least it gives me something to do that is nice and relaxing, just wish i had more time to do it.
Well that was a load of waffle but who cares it got it of my chest i guess. Now to get on with my to do list i guess before work tomorow and for the whole week, may be i need a holiday!!!
Still coughing up blood which is annoying and seems to happen at the most inconvenience time, usually at work and then have to explain myself and ask for help. Thankfullt usually one of my closest friends are usually there to help mepick up the pieces however one day it all got to much and happened in a public place i ended up in tears and felt like i could not carry on anyway it was fine cleaned up and sorted and as usual you carry on. The eating is still a problem and am mostly put of eating now, fab for weight loss but not so good for energy levels which are non existant.
I also seem to be in constant pain and taking painkillers like they are going out of fashion!!
I have never been so tired as i am now but i just never sleep which is driving me slightly insane.
Things seem to get harder to cope with every day but some how you carry on i guess which i do and whilst i am determined to get on with life i have to admit i would like a little break from the constan demands that i feel are on me at the moment. If its not running around at work it is running around at home.
I thought i was going to end up in my second home last week as peak flows were down to 100 and sats 78 but thankfully nebs picked me up, i think the weather changing didnt help and chest just thought had enough, also was trying to push myself to hard i think thankfully i have a wonderful best friends who made me see sense and eventually i gave in a had a rest, its funny but the more ill i feel the more i want to do stuf but when im fine i cant be arsed to do anything.
A so for work well it is so busy at the moment and i have a to do list as long as my arm, if i didnt love my job so much and if i wasnt so bloody stubborn i think i would think about leaving as i just cant keep up with it all anymore. I have the most amazing manager who is so supportive and seems to generally care about me etc and also have the most amazing collegues who help me out loads and also give me the kick up the arse i need when im not quite acting sensibly.
I really need to thank my bestest friend she has been my rock recently and whilst i say thankyou all the time i am not sure she really knows how much i appreciate her!!
I have become a little obsesses with my gnomes that i rescued, they were in a right mess but over time they are definetly looking fab, well at least it gives me something to do that is nice and relaxing, just wish i had more time to do it.
Well that was a load of waffle but who cares it got it of my chest i guess. Now to get on with my to do list i guess before work tomorow and for the whole week, may be i need a holiday!!!
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
really feels the desire to scream
Well it's been a while again but time just seems to run away with me! I had my endoscopy on Tuesday and can honestly say I won't be having that again! It showed loads which explains why I keep chocking it also seems to relate to other things! So that was one good thing but now I think I actually have a fear of eating!! Everytime I eat I feel sick and think I'm going to choke! Let's hope I get some answers next week when I go to Southampton!! Life seems really depressing right now and I can't seem to cope with the speed of things! Exhaustion is not the word! It's more than that I also can't be bothered which is another problem!! Lack of sleep doesn't help and there seems nothing I can do about that! Anway enough whinging Now time for bed and see what tomorrow brings!!
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
long over due update again!!!
OMG didnt realise it had been solong since i last updated this, so much has happened!!
Firstly i have had my southampton appointment at it seems there is lots of things that have been missed by the RBH, why was i not suprised!! .it seems i have very low vit d levels which is stopping me absorbing steroids well so thats one thing that needs sorting, still watiing for the prescription though as local hospital cant get hold of it and im not going back to southampton until the 13th april so lokks like i might have to wait until then. Also need a bronchoscopy as he said i have really bad reflux which is causing the aspiration and probably effecting my chest. He also changed inhalers added in new stuff and was just very reassuring and helpful. Things arent really any better and seem to be coughing up blood on a regular basis, which is kind of annoying and very messy. Also aspirating on food quite a lot so thats not very good. Other than that things remian there unsettled self bu there some hope of them getting a bit better.
Had a lovely holiday in tenerife with my best friend, it was fab, really relaxing and just what we bothe needed, only one downside, ended up in hospitak within days of getting back which has meant i now do not have a fitness to fly certificate so gonna have to work around that me thinks!!
Also been referred to occupational health so had to see them and it was ok, she say i am fit to work so thats pissed a few people of!! Not allowed to drive at work though as they are questioning sleep apneo so desperately trying ot get results of recent sleep study!!
other than all that everything carrys on as usual.
Have decided today that i can only be what i am and if people want more then that they are going to have to sod of as i cant be more!!
Now for the future well i have decicded i want to go to disneyland in paris obviously as that doesnt involve flying!! i also wont to finish my ou course and i am contemplating joing the gym as need to get a bit fitter, the only problem i am so bloody tired allthe time that i am not sure where i am going to get energy to go from but we will see.
Well enough rambling for now and to bed for me as tomorrow isanother day and as usual i have a busy day planned!!!
Firstly i have had my southampton appointment at it seems there is lots of things that have been missed by the RBH, why was i not suprised!! .it seems i have very low vit d levels which is stopping me absorbing steroids well so thats one thing that needs sorting, still watiing for the prescription though as local hospital cant get hold of it and im not going back to southampton until the 13th april so lokks like i might have to wait until then. Also need a bronchoscopy as he said i have really bad reflux which is causing the aspiration and probably effecting my chest. He also changed inhalers added in new stuff and was just very reassuring and helpful. Things arent really any better and seem to be coughing up blood on a regular basis, which is kind of annoying and very messy. Also aspirating on food quite a lot so thats not very good. Other than that things remian there unsettled self bu there some hope of them getting a bit better.
Had a lovely holiday in tenerife with my best friend, it was fab, really relaxing and just what we bothe needed, only one downside, ended up in hospitak within days of getting back which has meant i now do not have a fitness to fly certificate so gonna have to work around that me thinks!!
Also been referred to occupational health so had to see them and it was ok, she say i am fit to work so thats pissed a few people of!! Not allowed to drive at work though as they are questioning sleep apneo so desperately trying ot get results of recent sleep study!!
other than all that everything carrys on as usual.
Have decided today that i can only be what i am and if people want more then that they are going to have to sod of as i cant be more!!
Now for the future well i have decicded i want to go to disneyland in paris obviously as that doesnt involve flying!! i also wont to finish my ou course and i am contemplating joing the gym as need to get a bit fitter, the only problem i am so bloody tired allthe time that i am not sure where i am going to get energy to go from but we will see.
Well enough rambling for now and to bed for me as tomorrow isanother day and as usual i have a busy day planned!!!
Sunday, 23 January 2011
another week over and another one begins!!
Another week over and another week begins!! i wish weekends were longer, i am so fed up with spending my whoe weekedn feelling rubbish because i have spent the whole week running around like an idiot.
Last week was not as bad as i thought it would be so that was one good thing.
people can be so cruel and i have realy learnt whi my firiends are lately i never though that people would use your health against you, i wouldnt care if they moaned about wbout my work or private life but this hurt personaly.
I am still having problems sleeping and it is driving me nuts, i keeep having nightmares and the worst thing is that i close my eyes and think i am not going to wake up, it is trully terrifying and i cant seem to get rid of it. i guess over time it will be easier, who knows.
i need to start making some decisions and keep thinking it is time for me to give up work or at least cut my hours, part of me would give it up tomorrow but the other side of me doesnt want to give in!! decisions decisions!!!
well one week until i go to southhampton and i can only hope they have some answers, i need something to be done, i once had a life! well enough moaning from me.
xxx
Last week was not as bad as i thought it would be so that was one good thing.
people can be so cruel and i have realy learnt whi my firiends are lately i never though that people would use your health against you, i wouldnt care if they moaned about wbout my work or private life but this hurt personaly.
I am still having problems sleeping and it is driving me nuts, i keeep having nightmares and the worst thing is that i close my eyes and think i am not going to wake up, it is trully terrifying and i cant seem to get rid of it. i guess over time it will be easier, who knows.
i need to start making some decisions and keep thinking it is time for me to give up work or at least cut my hours, part of me would give it up tomorrow but the other side of me doesnt want to give in!! decisions decisions!!!
well one week until i go to southhampton and i can only hope they have some answers, i need something to be done, i once had a life! well enough moaning from me.
xxx
Sunday, 9 January 2011
bloody colds!!
Well so far new year not going to bad! That was until I got another bloody cold!! Feeling really rough all weekend and now on maximum meds at home!! We will see what tomorrow brings as I have hospital appointment!! Getting really fed up with it all
Now!!
On a more positive note I am finally up to date with my ou work! Finding it harder than I thought but will get there eventually!!
Enough gabbling from me time for bed before another busy week ahead!!!
Now!!
On a more positive note I am finally up to date with my ou work! Finding it harder than I thought but will get there eventually!!
Enough gabbling from me time for bed before another busy week ahead!!!
Saturday, 1 January 2011
new year!!
Well another year over!! Not been the best but this year has to be better!!! So whilst I am not really into the whole new years resolution thing there are done things I am gonna change or do!! So here goes my list:
1. Get up every morning and be thankful fir what I have!! Go to bed at night with great thanks for all around me!!
2. Start being a bit more honest about how I really feel!! A smile can hide a thousand troubles but it doesn't make them go away!!
3. Putting myself first!! People are going to have to start seeing me for who I am, I can be no more than I am!!
4.stop hiding how unwell I feel sometimes!! People may look and stare but is using my drugs in public really something to hide!! People cab comment but from now on that's up to them!!!
5. Ask people for help when needed and not struggle on for the sake of it!!
6. Tell my friends and family I love them everyday!!
7. Take extra special time to be there for my best friend and when she's hurting I need to be by her side and we will ride the storm together!!!
Well that's a start!! Now for the normal onei will;
1 lose two stone
2. Start saving (not sure what for but we will see)
3. Finish open university course
Etc etc etc
Now think the first thing I need to do is tidy my bedroom!! This could take me till next new year!!!!
1. Get up every morning and be thankful fir what I have!! Go to bed at night with great thanks for all around me!!
2. Start being a bit more honest about how I really feel!! A smile can hide a thousand troubles but it doesn't make them go away!!
3. Putting myself first!! People are going to have to start seeing me for who I am, I can be no more than I am!!
4.stop hiding how unwell I feel sometimes!! People may look and stare but is using my drugs in public really something to hide!! People cab comment but from now on that's up to them!!!
5. Ask people for help when needed and not struggle on for the sake of it!!
6. Tell my friends and family I love them everyday!!
7. Take extra special time to be there for my best friend and when she's hurting I need to be by her side and we will ride the storm together!!!
Well that's a start!! Now for the normal onei will;
1 lose two stone
2. Start saving (not sure what for but we will see)
3. Finish open university course
Etc etc etc
Now think the first thing I need to do is tidy my bedroom!! This could take me till next new year!!!!
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