TIRED, FED UP AND JUST ABOUT HAD ENOUGH!!!

It seems like ages since i have updated this but thought i would today as a way of getting a few things of my chest.
Things are not going well and i am being irritated really easy at the moment and i am not sure why. I have started some new drugs which are making me feel sick and absolutely exhausted, Methotrexate and doxyclyine are there names and part of me thinks its not worth it for the side effects however from a chest point of view it is much better so i am kind of stuck at the moment and hopefully things will get better.
I am finding work really tough, partly due to it being the most busiest time of the year for me but also because i am so tired. I also feel like i am being pulled in a hundred different directions and whilst i don't mind i just get so behind with my work and then i end up panicking over it. I also feel like someone that i used to be quite close to is always getting cross with me for no real reason and i end up being really upset, i know its me being daft and i just need to get a grip but  I am not really coping with it all and i have no one to tell so just have to keep going i guess. I guess my body will tell me when it has enough.
I have stopped my counselling as i wasn't finding it helpful, I'm still taking the anti depressants but they don't seem to be doing such a good job but then again that could be just because i am so tired, i am also having problems with being bothered to do things and have started to dread going out and even going to work again, i also feel quite paranoid again so maybe the counselling was doing something i don't know.
I am not sure what the future holds but what will be will be i guess.
As for home i am not going to go into to much details but things are not good and i feel like just running away from it all but that's not possible so I'm kind of stuck really.
Oh well not a lot else to whinge about and hopefully by the next time i post here things will be a little bit different

xxxxxx

Tired,  in pain and very fed up tonight. why is life never simple. I'm just whinging and need to wind my neck in i think!!
I have had a really busy week and there seems no end in sight for at least the rest of this week. I cant sleep which is not helping so fingers crossed tonight i will get some sleep.
I feel like i have a million jobs today and-no actual chance to get it done and now don't know where to start
Oh well enough whinging, im of to bed to see if  i can at least get an hours sleep.

It seems to be ages since i have written on here, not sure why just been so busy.
I warn you know and i am not sure if anyone actually reads this but this is going to be moaning post as i feel like i need to let of steam and this may be a good place. My counsellor always says people dont know how you feel unless you tell them and that is true however some times even telling people doesnt help.

Been a busy few weeks and am full of mixed emotions as the moment. On a positive note i had a horrid cold and i never ended up in hopsital so that was fabulous. After this i had an appointment at southampton this week and i was kind of thinking things had improved however it seems i was so wrong. My lung function was appauling and he was really worried, he thinks i need to be resting more and taking it easy which i find impossible. I am starting some new treatments this weekend and know the side effects can be bad so going to wait and see what happens. at least i dont have to work this weekend as i am exhausted. I hate being constantly in pain and so tired but i guess this is the future and i am not sure anyone really understand.  I guess what makes it harder is i dont look ill so people just dont get it, i just wish sometimes they could look beyond that see that inside i am falling apart. At least i dont feel so depressed now so thats one positive thins, i guess fingers crossed the new drugs work.
I am trying so hard at work to keep going and do all i can but i am finding it hard and i hate to admit it. What i find harder is working all day and then doing it all again when i get home, it seems like i am being pulled in a hundred dufferent directions and everyone wants something at the time. Today is a prime example of that and whilst i am not going into to much detail as i dont want things being misunderstood i could really do with some help sometimes, i wont ever get it so i guess we carry on as we are. At work today i realised how much i miss my old job and how much i have given up, which was hard and meant i had a little cry on the way home.
I am completely bogged down with OU work and NVQ work and i am not sure how to sort it out but do plan on doing some this weekend and then next week so fingers crossed i catch up soon. It seems never ending at the moment and my to do list just gets longer.

Oh well i guess i have lots to be thankful for and i have lovely friends around me, i also have a good job and understanding company so all in all things arent that bad, i ithink i am just exhausted and need to take it easy this weekend, so other than housework, shopping, washing etc etc i might get five minutes rest this weekend!!!

Well once again it has been a couple of weeks since i updated this, the weeks go so quick!!

Not a lot to say apart from things have been better, that is until this weekend when i have an awful cold, its not to bad just annoying really.

got a busy weekend and seem to have work coming out of my ears again, sometimes i wish i never took on NVQ assessing it really does make so much extra work for me, anyway it will get done in the end i am sure.

Oh well life is boring at the moment and that is absolutely fine, i really donlt like to much excitement.

sarah
x

just a quick update

Well it all went wrong, got a cold and within 24 hours was in hospital with pneumonia and a small collapse to the lung, managed to escape on friday which was my birthday. Not a bad admission, they did everything i needed and things improved quite quickly. Now home and i am exhausted, i have hardly moved for days and tomorrow i have to go back to work which is going to be hard, i am starting to think if it is all worth it as i am pushing myself way to hard, but dont know what else i can do. Oh well need to start to think about it a bit more and see what happens.
Cant say much more now as to tired and need o get to bed, i will update soon when i feel a bit more like it.

Thank goodness that is over

What a week, well in a way it has been a good week, i have cried,laughed and cried again!! Its a long story and i dont really want to go into the ins and outs of it but basically for the last few weeks i had been getting more and more depressed about a situation and because i felt so bad i was becoming increasingly parnoid about what people thought. This meant i had convinced myself i was about to lose my job which in turn i felt like i was going to lose everything, the stupid thing was i nearly let this happen and was letting people make my life more difficult just because i kind of got the attitude that i didnt care, when deap down i really did.I couldnt concentrate at work, i even quit my OU course because i believed i couldnt do it and was useless.  That doesnt really make sense but to me it does, basically i nearly gave up on life as i just couldnt cope. The irony of this is people should speak to one another it seems that someone had something they needed to say to me and whilst i was aware that she was being distant it was for completely different reasons than i thought and we were both losing sleep over it, so stupid now and was actually no problem to either for us and we both felt better after the conversation. Anyway since then i have felt a huge amount of relief and realised that things had been going on for a long while and i am the only person that can change them, for this to happen i willbe relying on my friends and family and being more honest about my feelings, i am also putting my health as more of a priority as last week i was so unwell but because i was so worried what people thought i refused to look after myself properly which was not sensible and could of ended badly for me.

So i am trying so hard to get back to myself, which is hard as i still have episodes of being very paranoid, i know who i can trust in life and those people i am going to rely on more and when i am having a bad day or need someone to tell me to stop being daft i am going to be honest with them about how i feel and ask for help, no one has the right to make others unhappy and no one has the right tomake comments about things they know nothing about, so these people are not going to be part of my life.

Oh well i am waffling now all i can say is that over the past 6 weeks there were times wheni could of walked away from life but thankfully i cannow see a future and have decided what will be will be, its a beautiful sunny day so i am going to make the most of it. I have a list of things i need to sort out and do so the sooner i start the sooner life starts again.  Firstly sort  out OU course, do some planning for work and sort out some things at home.
I am not sure anyone reads this and to honest i only write this for myself as a way of getting things of my chest, but i would like to say a huge thankyou to everyone that has helped me and stood by me, you really are my true things and that is one things i have learnt lately, who my friends really are!!!

Oh well another week of feeling like poo and generally getting fed up with it all.
Changes need to be made i think but im not sure what for the best.
I saw my local consultant on monday and had a really good chat with him about everything, he doesnt have a lot to offer and whilst i knew he would say that i was kind of hoping he would have a magic wand. of course he didnt.  He did recommend some patches for  pain and well that was a disaster, put it on and within hours i was nearly unconscious aparently i looked like i was on drugs and was very funny. The moment i said i didnt even have the energy to breath it was taken of and thankfully i felt better in a few hours, i think i may have  to put up with the pain!!
Had ar eally horrid chest all week and it turns out after trips back and forth to hospital that i have pneumonia, steroids and antibiotics  increased and finally i think we are winning as although i am so tired i do feel a bit better. The one good things is that i have managed to stay out of hospital and that is a miracle.
I am so thankful to all those around me that have been so supportive, i really am grateful.

I have done lots of thinking this week and need to start making some changes, i think i have to try this salycilate free diet and see if it makesany difference, i also feel like i am getting really unfit i keep thinking of going swimming which i used to love but soemthing stops me, i really need to look into it this week as i feel like i have to keep myself as physically fit as possible.

Oh well  im waffling now