New year

It's new years eve and I thought I would take this opportunity to say a little something! Well what a year there have been highs and lots of lows but I got through it with the help of my wonderful friends and family!! The highlight of my year was attending strictly come dancing and meeting Anton du beke it was a dream come true and a day I will cherish forever! I can't thank those that arranged it enough and can't express how much it meant to me! The lows have been bad and when I look ack I'm not sure how I got through them, my health has been really bad at times and several times I have been to poorly o imagine, these times were scary and when I look back I could of easily given up, fingers crossed things have moved on as I'm not sure I can deal with that again. I know things aren't great now but I can cope with how they are. I really want to express my appreciation for my friends and family tat have helped me this year, They really have been fab, the most important person in my life is Kate and she knows t, she is my bet friend and I don't know what I would do without her! The last few weeks things have changed in my life and I'm looking forward to next year, I am now doing some care shifts again and I love it, it is hard work and is going to take a little time to get used to it again but I am really enjoying t, I still do my job one day a week so I feel like I get the best of both worlds. My earth has also been ok and more stable thanks to new drugs, although the side effects are harsh I am dealing with them now, my bloods are still a bit iffy and needed a little boost yesterday but I'm hoping that was a one of I have hurt my back at the moment and am a little worried that it is steroid related so gonna get it checked out on Tuesday when dr speare ribs me about blood results. Oh well I am mumbling now. As for the new year I'm not really one for new years resolutions, I have some decisions to make which includes ou course as I have kind of lost interest and have so much other stuff to do, I will decide next week n what I want to do. As for tonight I'm not sure what I'm doing, I don't mid either way we have tickets to go out but it's kind of a let's decide on the night thing, Pete is in Wales so I hope has a nice time and grandad doesn't want to go out. We will see. The most important thing I have learnt this year is cherish life and cherish those around you as it can be gone all to quick. And to tell those around you that you love them everyday. Oh well I'm having a pj and playing on iPad day I think!! Happy new year everyone xxxxxxxxx

i feel very spoilt, thank you xxxxx

Well Christmas has been and i was so spoilt that i feel guilty, i got some amazing presents and am so thankful. An ipad which i love and will give me hours of fun, a kindle which i love and can use all the time. A new camera which i really needed. I also have some new pjs and a dressing gown and at first thought that i would never wear them as they were a size 12/14 and i have never been that small, but OMG they fit, which is fab and makes me feel better about my size as i was feeling really fat. I also have some fab fairy lights, new duvet and picture for my room which are all up now. Also some microwaveable slippers which are fab and finally and alarm clock so that i get my bum out of bed on time, which i need as need to get up earlier now. Oh and the most fabulous hats which i love. So all in all i was very spoilt as i also have a new hot water bottle which has been used and much, much more. I was in tears a lot yesterday as i felt so special and really feel like i didn't deserve it. It was also another Christmas and this year has been quite bad at times and my health has been horrendous so it was an important milestone. Things are starting to look up and i am hoping next year is so much better and i don't really care if things aren't perfect i just want to live my life and me as well as i can be. This year  has been hard and at times i could of given up but the one thing that it has taught me is how important life is and how important your friends and family are, they really have stood by me this year and helped me so much.

I have changed my job a little bit and so far so good, i am tired but then again i have been really busy, i love working as part of the care team and never thought i would again so its nice to have the opportunity to have another go. The only thing that worry s me is that i can never say if i don't feel well as i will immediately be taken of the job, but like i said everyone gets ill at some point, we will see what happens i guess. I am not sure if i am going to manage the long days but early s seem OK at the moment. Today i think i have over done it a bit as have needed nebs and oramoph this afternoon as not feeling great but i am sure it is just a blip and tomorrow things will fine.

I also have something else keeping me occupied at the moment and it s giving me a reason to get out of bed at the weekends, i think i had got myself very depressed a few months ago and wasn't even getting dressed at the weekends, but now much better.

Oh well i am waffling now but i have one more thing i want to say, well actually two. I know Kate reads this sometimes and i want to see you mean so much to me and i know this christmas has been hard for you and mum, i am always here for you and if you need anything you only need to shout, I appreciate what you do for me, more that anything in the whole world , thanks for the fab presents i love them and hope you like yours, thanks again sweety and thanks for standing by me. Now to say thanks to pete for the fab presents, as i have said before you need to follow your dreams and do what you want in life, im not going to say much more as i have said it all before.

Oh well i need to play with new toys.

Happy christmas to everyone and may your new year be as special as you want it to be

xxxx

what a busy day, Christmas shopping done, tree up, presents wrapped and cards written, so glad it is done as was starting to worry it would never get done. The only down side is feeling terrible tonight, pain is the worse it has ever been and have taken all the painkillers i have. Lungs hate me and are playing up badly, i really need to be OK this week as i have so much planned and with christmas getting nearer i have things to do. 

I am annoyed that my bronchoscopy date has been brought forward to this Tuesday and i am not sure why as it isn't really convenient, i am hoping to get hold of them tomorrow and get a changed back to the original date. we will see i guess and if they wont then i will just have to go with it and work around it.

I am kind of feeling stressed about everything at the moment and finding hard to please everyone so some people are just gonna have to wait.  My to do list never gets shorter and i am not sure it will ever get better, I am not sure if i am gonna manage work tomorrow as i feel terrible but i will try and see what happens as don't wont to let people down, or for people to make comments. Oh well i am whinging on now  and really need to got to bed as i am exhausted. 

Oh well its saturday night again and yet again i am sat indoors with grandad thinking about an early night as i am so tired.
Been a difficult week feeling exhausted and sick, now i have a rash which aparently is a bacterial or viral infection, i have had blood cultures done so now waiting the results, fingers crossed its just a viral thing that is going around.
The new drugs i am taking still make me feel sick and today i have been sick most of the day but i am hoping over times things will get better as i think they are helping in away.
Been to the opticians with grandad today and his eyes are worse so new glasses needed, which means i am going to have to go back next week with him as well, it seems i am the only one this family that does all the running around with him. I am getting so annoyed with people taking the piss out of him and he lets them, it seems anyone can do what they like apart from me, i am not putting it up with it much longer as i am going to put my foot down about it. I am not going to say to much more as i would go on for ages!!
Oh well bed for me as got things to do tomorrow then back to work again for another full week.


x x x

TIRED, FED UP AND JUST ABOUT HAD ENOUGH!!!

It seems like ages since i have updated this but thought i would today as a way of getting a few things of my chest.
Things are not going well and i am being irritated really easy at the moment and i am not sure why. I have started some new drugs which are making me feel sick and absolutely exhausted, Methotrexate and doxyclyine are there names and part of me thinks its not worth it for the side effects however from a chest point of view it is much better so i am kind of stuck at the moment and hopefully things will get better.
I am finding work really tough, partly due to it being the most busiest time of the year for me but also because i am so tired. I also feel like i am being pulled in a hundred different directions and whilst i don't mind i just get so behind with my work and then i end up panicking over it. I also feel like someone that i used to be quite close to is always getting cross with me for no real reason and i end up being really upset, i know its me being daft and i just need to get a grip but  I am not really coping with it all and i have no one to tell so just have to keep going i guess. I guess my body will tell me when it has enough.
I have stopped my counselling as i wasn't finding it helpful, I'm still taking the anti depressants but they don't seem to be doing such a good job but then again that could be just because i am so tired, i am also having problems with being bothered to do things and have started to dread going out and even going to work again, i also feel quite paranoid again so maybe the counselling was doing something i don't know.
I am not sure what the future holds but what will be will be i guess.
As for home i am not going to go into to much details but things are not good and i feel like just running away from it all but that's not possible so I'm kind of stuck really.
Oh well not a lot else to whinge about and hopefully by the next time i post here things will be a little bit different

xxxxxx

Tired,  in pain and very fed up tonight. why is life never simple. I'm just whinging and need to wind my neck in i think!!
I have had a really busy week and there seems no end in sight for at least the rest of this week. I cant sleep which is not helping so fingers crossed tonight i will get some sleep.
I feel like i have a million jobs today and-no actual chance to get it done and now don't know where to start
Oh well enough whinging, im of to bed to see if  i can at least get an hours sleep.

It seems to be ages since i have written on here, not sure why just been so busy.
I warn you know and i am not sure if anyone actually reads this but this is going to be moaning post as i feel like i need to let of steam and this may be a good place. My counsellor always says people dont know how you feel unless you tell them and that is true however some times even telling people doesnt help.

Been a busy few weeks and am full of mixed emotions as the moment. On a positive note i had a horrid cold and i never ended up in hopsital so that was fabulous. After this i had an appointment at southampton this week and i was kind of thinking things had improved however it seems i was so wrong. My lung function was appauling and he was really worried, he thinks i need to be resting more and taking it easy which i find impossible. I am starting some new treatments this weekend and know the side effects can be bad so going to wait and see what happens. at least i dont have to work this weekend as i am exhausted. I hate being constantly in pain and so tired but i guess this is the future and i am not sure anyone really understand.  I guess what makes it harder is i dont look ill so people just dont get it, i just wish sometimes they could look beyond that see that inside i am falling apart. At least i dont feel so depressed now so thats one positive thins, i guess fingers crossed the new drugs work.
I am trying so hard at work to keep going and do all i can but i am finding it hard and i hate to admit it. What i find harder is working all day and then doing it all again when i get home, it seems like i am being pulled in a hundred dufferent directions and everyone wants something at the time. Today is a prime example of that and whilst i am not going into to much detail as i dont want things being misunderstood i could really do with some help sometimes, i wont ever get it so i guess we carry on as we are. At work today i realised how much i miss my old job and how much i have given up, which was hard and meant i had a little cry on the way home.
I am completely bogged down with OU work and NVQ work and i am not sure how to sort it out but do plan on doing some this weekend and then next week so fingers crossed i catch up soon. It seems never ending at the moment and my to do list just gets longer.

Oh well i guess i have lots to be thankful for and i have lovely friends around me, i also have a good job and understanding company so all in all things arent that bad, i ithink i am just exhausted and need to take it easy this weekend, so other than housework, shopping, washing etc etc i might get five minutes rest this weekend!!!