post hospital blues!!

Firstly i keep this blog for two reasons, one way of releasing how i feel and secondly because i can look back and see how things have changer, i guess its like keeping and diary but other people cab read it, i dont really care who reads it i am who i am and people should accept that i guess.

well after a rough few weeks with lots of stress and other thingst i ended up in hospital! today i was discharged with strict instructions to slow down and rest, it seems the pneumonia is back on the right side and my body needs to fight the infection with the help of yet more antibiotics, i knew things were bad on Thursday although i didn't realise how much, i cant really remember much about last week and basically remember going into the surgery and seeing Theresa and thinking thank god she knows me, i put all my faith in her to sort me out, i should of gone to hospital but didn't want to admit how poorly i felt or maybe i wasn't aware of how poorly i was, stupidly i put my life at risk and all because i didn't want to let people down. I remember being blue lighted to hospital with the ambulance crew looking worried and then doctors telling my my gases were rubbish and should of come in earlier. Oh well i guess people with chronic conditions do this all the time as they put their condition as their last priority. I was pumped full of the normal drugs and was feeling better quite quickly, i was lectured about wearing my MEDIC alert thing but i lost it so i need to get another one asap. I was also lectured about working so hard and taking on two much. I was also told i need to try and keep feet up as legs keep swelling which could mean my heart is working to hard and not functioning so well. Oh well im not surprised, i also was told i should use crutches or wheelchair  if my legs etc hurt as they think it is where my bones are week due to the steroids, of course i don't want to do this so going to have to put some thought into that.
Anyway i am home now and so pleased to be, i think i was really muddled last week as i had all my drugs muddled up, i always sort them out for a week but i had them all over the place, its not about not taking them i just wonder if i was taking them in the correct order, oh well i think i have sorted them out no,  i always find i am so emotional when i get home and this time is by no means any different. Every time i have a blip i realise how much this effects me and how much i cant do. I also realise who means the most to me and how some people make out they care but when you need them they are no where to be seen. Im not going in to any detail as i don't really see the point. I am more upset with myself and just need a good nights sleep and to get a grip really. I love my family and friends very much and never want things to change but i know with every admission things are a little bit worse. I am so grateful for my best friend who sticks by me through thick and thin and i know that she is hurting sometimes and she knows the realisation of what is going on. I am also so grateful for Gill, Brian and uncle stephen who have looked after Grandad, . he means more to me than anyone really and i worry about him but everyone has really taken care of him, to them i am really thankfull and i know when life moves on her will be ok. I allways have time to think in hospital and i always think that things need to change and this time is no different, im not sure how at the moment but things will change i am not going to get myself upset and stressed about things i cannot change. i also thought alloy about dad and richard, i know my relationship with my dad has not always been great by i love him  and he is allways there to do the practical stuff, i also need to try and build and better relationship with richard as i rarely see him and i should make more of an effort. Oh well i am waffling now and part of that is the drugs i think. I think an evening of doing nothing is in order.
I feel the desire to scream the world live your life to the full as you never know what is around the corner!!