Today I am having a day of after lots of getting moaned at yesterday, I had my hospital review with theresa at the surgery and she told me how poorly i was when I saw her last week. I knew I was poorly but didn't realise how bad. I told her how I didn't remember much about the day and all I could remember is feeling very confused, she said that it was probably because my blood gases were bad and at least my brain told me to make a doctors appointment, shame it didn't tell me to go to a and e. she also told me i am a co2 retainer and that this is important anyway i still have a temperature, my peak flow is low and sats are low, it seems I still have the infection and my lungs are not happy so she told me I either rest or go back in! I also have to find my medi alert and get it updated, not sure where it is though! I chose to take the day of although I feel very guilty as I couldn't get cover. I did have the best night sleep ever Though, went to bed at 7pm and woke up at 8am which was lovely. Several things have happened over the past week and as this is like my diary I am going to write about them, this is my space as I have said before, if people don't like what they read then they can choose to ignore it. Yesterday I was with Kate at work and we were clearing some wardrobes out, I jokingly said oh my god mate st will you do with all my pjs when I'm gone, I have lots!! It was all in humour but did made me think that it would be a horrible job to have to do, I also worry that she shouldn't have that responsibility, she means more to me than anyone on the world and has stood by me through everything, she knows everything about me!! I dont really know what else to say, one thing it did make me think was that we should try and make time to do more fun stuff together and I desperately want to go way this year, I know my medical team wouldn't be happy but it something I want to do and were there is a will there is a way!! The next thing that is really bothering me is my brother, he has caused me more heart ache tan he will ever know, the stupid thing is I miss him! And so does grandad, he asks me at least three times a day, have you heard from your brother and of course I never have. I have no idea what to do, I know he doesn't care about ths family, I knew this weeks ago and also at week when I went to hospital, it took him five hours to phone Kate back. Yesterday he was supposed to Cone hone for a hospital appointment at it was cancelled, he promised he would phbe grandad and no he didn't bother, that was the first time I have seen grandad cry in a long time. I guess I have to let it go and as far as we are concerned he doesn't exist. Maybe in years to come he will realise but to be honest e is so selfish I bot think he will. He has cut ties with everyone he ever knew o I guess he is either Ashmed of us or ashamed of himself and what he is. Tere is no more I can say and at the Moment I am helping him out with his phone bill, but at the end of the contract this will stop as I can't afford to do it any longer. I wish thing were so much different but I guess try aren't. The next thing is I am finding everything more difficult, I plod on through madness half the time, but the little things annoy me, stupid things like changing the beds or hovering half kills me, I know if I ask gill she would help but I hate taking advantage of people, I even find hopping hard work t times. Grandad can't help as he is just to frail these days and sometimes a bit lazy, he has to be looked after, and he doesn't want anyone from outside so I guess we plod on as we are. I never thought it would come to this and it had. I have lots of friends and a small family but I sometimes feel so alone, everyone has there own lives and I hate being burden to people, sometimes I just wish, actually I don't know what I wish really. I guess Hiding everything doesn't help as everyone thinks she is ok, I just wish they saw beyond this and realised the pain is unbearable being out of breath is horrid and the constant struggling wears you out, I know many do and I dont let them in but it is tough. Family Oh well I have done enough moaning, I am going to spend today working on ou work as its so behind, grandad wants shopping but he will have to wait and the hoovering needs doing oh and the fish need cleaning out. But that will have to wait. Xxxxxxx Future.