Well i think i am getting old!! Today i worked a care shift and i forgot how hard those girls work, im not sure how i am going to get through another one  on sunday but i will.I realised howmuch i miss the job but at the same time i realised how hard it is and i am not sure i would manage it now. Anyway all in all a busy week with so much to do that i have kind of lost the plot with most of it. I think tomorrow i may have tolock myself in the office to get some paperwork tomorrow. Not to bad as i wasnt supposed to be working tomorrow as i was supposed  to be going to southampton but i cancelled it due to the infections i have at the moment. I have rescheduled for august so i will see how i feel.
I was so upset on monday after over hearing people talking about me and my situation, i wrote a long letter that i was going to give to everyone at work to see if it would help them understand why i am working etc, but chickened out giving it to them as i thought maybe it woul make things  worse. I might post it on here, but im not sure at the moment, we will see i guess. Anyway nothing else  to say at the moment. and after a secod thought i am going to post the letter on here as this is my blog and my feelings and people should respect this.

Dear All Staff

As I write this to you part of me wonders why I am doing this and part of me thinks maybe I have been selfish in not doing so earlier. It seems that some people think that they need to comment on my situation and I guess I should not be surprised. It upsets me greatly over some comments that I have heard recently and to be honest a little surprised, but am going to put it down to lack of understanding. I would like to take this opportunity to thank the majority of people that have supported me and been so lovely over the past few weeks and months when things have been particularly tough, this is by no means aimed at you, I just feel its time everyone knew and maybe they can then understand.

It is no secret that I am not particularly in good health and over the past months things have deteriorated somewhat. I think that maybe it is time to tell everyone what is going on, so here goes. As most of you know, I suffer with severe brittle asthma, which is at the most severe end of the disease. Anyone that tells you that asthma is just an irritating wheeze that affects children is wrong!
This has caused Emphysema and another lung disease. This has also lead to chronic pain, which can be worse on some days than others. My lungs are damaged beyond repair and because of this I have daily symptoms, take lots of medication, need oxygen at night and can be frightening, debilitating and at times life threatening. Believe me I know. I have been hospitalized more times than I can remember and without the life saving drugs etc that they give me, I would not be here today!   In recent months, this has caused problems with my swallowing which means I need a special diet and am often sick. this includes coughing up blood which is obviously not very ni ce for anyone

I have an excellent healthcare team who are working with me to control my symptoms as much as possible,  and enabling me to live my life as much as possible, I will however try everything they offer on future and will not give up without a fight.  I am well aware that my life will be cut short by this and I am slowly coming to terms with this reality as hard as it is for me to except and those around me.  

On a good note at the moment, things have stabilized and some normality is possible. With the full support of my medical team and other necessary people, I am determined to live my life to full and do the normal things a 30 year old would do. This includes working and whilst some might think that I should give up work, please put yourself in my shoes, I have no desire to give up work and sit at home all day (although this would be an easier option some days)! Work means normality to me, keeps me occupied, and gives me something to keep my mind active. Of course, there are days when I think I am too tired or in too much pain but I have to drag myself forward, which I do.  I am completely safe to work and there is no risk to anyone, the necessary risk assessments have been put in place for me to continue to work safely and I have the support of the necessart people. At no point am I asking other people to do my job for me and I can assure you I am not treated any differently because of my situation. I will always do my job to the best of my ability and will help anyone, as you all know. If I am having a bad day then I will always try but may ask for some help, this is not me not doing my job it is asking for a little bit of help to do it. I am not looking for anyone’s sympathy in writing this I would just like people to understand my situation and how a little bit of compassion can go a long way. I hope this gives you a little more understanding of my situation and please feel free to ask me if you want anything, I can give you the correct answer rather than the ‘Chinese whispers’ answer.


Oh well its done now.
Im of to bed as im knackered and have a busy day tomorrow, and its kates birthday so im of out for dinner. I really hope she has alovely birthday as she deserves it. I hope she likes her presents as well!!