I am going to apologise in advance i think this may turn in to a bit of a rant, i have decided that if i do it here then i wont be shouting at anyone else and i get it of my chest which is what this is meant to be for.

Firstly i have had the loveliest week of work, the beginning of the week i spent doing nothing and then went to Pete's on Thursday with Kate, we had a lovely time just doing what we both wanted for a change, we even went to chessington which was fabulous, i was so tired on the way home but then again I'm not surprised we were on the go all day, i even went on the scare rides and ended up laughing so much at Pete screaming it was funny, just like the good  old days with us all having fun. well apart from that we went shopping and drunk far to much but then again its only every once in a while. There is no way the dietitian can say i have lost weight this week as i have eaten loads and loads so  i have definitely put on weight, which has annoyed me a bit but i am sure it will come of again.  Kate knows she means the world to me and this weekend made  me realise how much she is my best friend an dhow i couldn't do without her, i know she will read this and i just want to say ou are my rock and thank you, i know i was a grumpy moo coming back but i was kind of falling apart, after a busy weekend and having to come back to reality, thank goodness for sun glasses so you wouldn't see the tears flowing.
One good think this week only one episode  of vomiting blood so i think the rest has done some good, i just hope things are settling down, i am fed up with being on a roller coaster and wont of!!!!
Well spoke to rose on Thursday and she was saying that sputum result are back again, it seems i am still growing pseudamonas and mrsa so the antibiotics didn't get rid of it so far,we will see what Dr Tate says, she is going to speak to him again about it and i have decided to leave it for them to fight it out.
Oh well other than that and being very very tired i am fine and plodding along, Several things are really bugging me at the moment so i may as well get it of my chest here!!!

Work: I love my job but omg is it hard work, and it is getting harder, i feel like everyone is waiting for me to fuck up and like i am being watched all the time, not by management, my manager is the best manager i have ever had she is unbelievable supportive and re all helpful, i think i am very sensitive at the moment and i worry more then others do, i have all ways had loads of energy and bounded round work, im not sure if it is me or the job, maybe it has run its course, maybe m expectations are to high,  i don't know, well i have to go back tomorrow and i have done no planning!! I think i need a job where i go in, do it and go home, my life just doesn't allow all the other stuff at the moment, i guess it will sort itself out and i guess what i am terrified about is that i am near to giving up work and then i think my life will just exist, i cant go to work and expect people to carry me, which i absolutely don't but I'm not sure what people think!! Oh well that's a rambling mess so best move on!!

Home and families: At what point do i Say i cant cope!!! its hard work juggling ever thing and i feel like i am expected to cope!! I love my family dearly and maybe if i was more honest with them i might get more help but just once in a while i would love them to help out!1 Oh well not going to waste my time going on about that as its not really  worth it.

Life: I want my old life back, i know i am selfish but i dont want to have to get up  and take a hand full of drugs just to function, i don't want to have to plan everything like a military operation just to function. I know i am being selfish and should be great full for what i have! Its just so bloody hard admitting how bad things have become!!

I received this on FB at the weekend!!

A wise old man once said ...There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living!!

 

I think i need to start living my life with this philosophy and am going to tr much harder to be positive and not let people get to me.

 

I think i need a plan and that is:

1. Tell my friends and family everyday how much they mean to me.

2. Speak to my manager about what she expects and how i need some help, at least if i say something then she know that i am not coping!

3. Speak to my GP about things and ask his advice (that may take a while as it is a three week wait)

4. Speak to respiratory nurse about IV antibiotics for infection.

5. Start being more careful with eating and drinking and only have what i am allowed i do not want to be the cause of making things worse.

6. Get a diary and organise myself better, i may even leave it at reception for people to put notes in for me as i am  so forgetful these days and don't want people to keep bombarding me with things for me to just forget!!

 

Well that's enough for now  and i am sure i wont even do half of them but i am going to try!!

 

Well enough for now as i feel the need to go and get a bar of chocolate,onlyproblem i will have to get dressed which is a bit of a nightmare but hey ho!!!

 

I told you it was going to be a rambled message, sorry!!!