a rambling post!!

After what has been a difficult week i think things need to change and im guessing only i can change them.
I think i need ot break things down and concentrate on one thing at a time.
SLEEPING
The sleep thing is still a problem, i managed a night of sleep at work and then one at home but last night not a chance, the same nightmares return. The one thing about not sleeping it gives you time to think, not always sure it is a good thing but ive done loads of it lately. I confessed all to someone in the week and it did make me feel a bit better knowing that i wasnt carrying it alone, i feel so selfish  for putting it on this individual and not sure i should of done. things came to a head i just didnt know what to do for the best ayway what is done is done and i cant change it. I just hope things change soon as not sleeping means i just cant cope with anything, they say your dreams can never be as bad as reality, that is so not true!!!
WORK
I love my job and always, the hardest thing is not coping with it and feeling like i am slowly walking away from it.I have got to a point where i just dont know where to start and as a result getting further and further behind with it. I have the most supportive manager and work collegues and to them i am always gratful, workfeels safe at the moment which is onw good thing, but as someone said the other day i cant rely on only feeling safe there as its not the answer. I really need to make an effort this week to move on anddeal with everything.
OPEN UNIVERSITY
I seem to have lost any interest in this at the moment, i amdue to start another course in october but not sure i am doing the right thing, i think i need ot take a long hard look at what i really want to do andmake a decision.
MY SITUATION
Like seems so hard some time and right now it is the harders i have ever known it, living is so hard and its like a daily fight. to keep going, i think i am a little depressed but its because of the situation and lack of sleep, i think i have put on a brave face for solong that now its stating to crumble one little bit of me at time and im not dealing with it well, running away seems an option but then again that wouldnt be the answer. I just wish life was how it was and things were how i wanted them. I have hadd the offer of some counselling and whilst i never thought it was something i would consider i think i should as mayabe talking about it might help. Last night i realised how much my life had changed, a friend had a bbq and i had to take my own pureed food and then got home and was so sick, partly due to drinking to much, i was so tired and in so much pain when i got home it always makes me think why do i bother going out in the first place, it seems gone are the times of going out and wnjoying myself anf being able to function afterwards.
ME
I am so lucky i have some fab friends around me and i am always grateful to them, on a down side i alsohave people that always seem to want to take take and take some more and really dont think about my feelings, Usually this is not a problem and i am always there for everyone but right now i am sorry to say but i need to concentrate on me. I just dont have the energy to worry about everything at the moment, that is apart from someone so very special to me who i saw break down in tearslast night, it made merealise how much i hadnt been there fo her and how i need to be, she is hurtinginside and i hardly noticed, i feel awful and hope she knows i am always here for her no matter what.
I have now idea where to start to change things so i think its going to be hard but i guess only i can change things so i need to do somehting.
I think i need some timeout so this may mean getting away from things for a few days, if i couldlock myself away from everyone and have no demands for ajust a coupleof days it may help, the only problem with that is i cant do that due to certain commitments, maybe running  away is an option, the only thing with that is that i might just keep going. Need to think about that a bit more i think. I need to talk to someone so i think the counselling is a good idea. I also need to start eating properly, eating is never fun when you choke on it so i think i have been eating less and less which in turn means less energy so i amgoing to phone dietician on monday and get some advice about it.
Oh well pretty pointless and rambling post i think and to be honest lets hope things turn a corner soon.