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Another sleepless night!!

Today has been horrible I Have never been in so much pain! My lungs hate me and I feel like I'm going further downhill by the minute!! I just hope it's a blip and tomorrow I will wake up like new!! I have taken all the painkillers I can and Every breath hurts!! Tonight me a my Neb will bring best friends as it does make breathing easier! I just need to get through this week then I can be ill as I won't be letting anyone down! I will go to the doctors tomorrow if needed but I think they will send me in so I wi'll avoid them as much as possible!! Oh well back to watching nativity on my iPad and try and get some sleep!!!

All I want for christmas!

I dont want a lot for christmas?
There’s just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want some healthy lungs of my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is…Health
I don’t need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won’t make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want a healthy body of my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of peoples Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singingI hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won’t you bring me the one thing I really need
Won’t you please bring a cure for me…

I stole this from the internet but it is like my situation!
If I could have one Christmas wish it would be to have a healthy body and definitely lungs that work!! I would give up any presents for that!!

Busy week

This week is definetly the busiest week I have had for ages and I am definetly feeling the effect! Work has been unbelievably busy and next week it is even worse!!
My health has been its normal bad self this week not helped by the fact I am so tired!!
I have just hat back from the surgery and have strict orders for the weekend!! I have a really swollen knee and ankles which apparently is water retention so apparently I need to keep the legs up! Lungs are still infected and blood tests no better so hopefully yet can get an urgent appointment for Southampton to see if they can help!! All this has to happen at the busiest time of the year for me!! I was very honest with the gp today and explained that I feel really unwell to the point where every day is a struggle!! He was really good and said that he is hoping this a blip but also that I may have picked up a flu type bug which has knocked everything out of place, my immune system is so rubbish I wouldn't be surprised!! The instructions for this week are pjs, duvet and sofa oh and extra meds before review on Monday and if lungs and swelling is not better then I will more than likely be admitted for I'v antibiotics!! Fingers crossed things improve as I have to much to do at the moment!!

Smugly has been poorly this week as Well bless him he looked so poorly but today he looks better so hopefully he will be back to his normal self in no time!!!

Oh well I need to summon u some energy to go and get grandad fish and chips then to pick kae up from work!!

The morning after the night before!

Yesterday was our work christmas party and it was really good fun, I wasn't drinking as I didn't feel like it, and at one point I wasn't even going as I couldn't find anything to wear etc! Anyway I went and I'm glad I did! I even managed to get up and dance, luckily I'm good at hiding how rubbish I feel and I was determined to not let my lungs effect the night! Today has been horrid and very painful! I don't think people realise how tired I get and how it takes me so much longer to recover! Oh we'll ill get there!!

Recently I have been really bothered about how people see me and I'm not sure why, I know who my friends are and that is all that matters! Yes I have health problems and whilst im not going in to it they affect my life everyday in more ways than you can ever imagine! yes I have a motability car and yes I have a disabled badge! I have these because without them I would not get around, there are days when getting out of bed is hard enough let alone going anywhere. I rarely use my blue badge and if I do it's because I really feel that I need to! People seem to look at me and make assumptions which I guess is because they don't know much or are mis guided! Someone the other day said that a long time ago she over heard a conversation about me and people saying I wasn't that ill as I still work etc, well that is due to pure grit aNd determination, I am stubborn and refuse to give it! I was so hurt when I heard this and wish people would put themselves in my shoes for just one day and see what it's like! I'm not asking for sympathy I just would appreciate a little understanding! Oh we'll rant over ill shut up now! I just wish people would think about what they say about others before they say it! I don't actually care what people say about me behind my back but I would rather not hear it. I just want to say this ant aimed at anyone it's just a general feeling I have after some comments I have heard recently! I know that I am being over sensitive but that's the way I am and I can't change it!!!

Very frustrated!!

Today has been a horrible day and its all because I am so frustrated that my bloody body can't just do as it is asked!! I have been snappy, grumpy and tearful which is not how I want to be! I know I am a bit pre menstrual so that has made things worse!
Today even simple things like opening the door and driving to work have Left me in agony and out of breath! I remember the days when I could work 12 hour shifts and up to 60 hours a week, now I can barely manage the hours I am contracted for. This time of year is so busy for me and I know I won't get through it at this rate as I am being pushed further and further down and to be honest I have no energy to fight!
I am going to try and have a lie in tomorrow and start a bit later, that way I might feel a bit better or I bloody hope it does! I am on maximum drugs so there is no way of changing them to see if that helps!!

Oh well whinge over, tomorrow is a new day and I just need to get through it!! I think I need to go and watch happy feet 2 to cheer myself up!!

A bit of a mess

After spending the weekend doing not a lot well apart from Christmas shopping and putting up Christmas tree decorations and doing lots of odd jobs I'm not sure I actually feEl any better!! I'm trying to convince myself That I do!! The reality is that tomorrow I am back to work and I have got myself in a right state about it!!! I love my job but Its so busy at this time of year and I know sooner or later im going to end up in hospital  so I'm going to let everyone down!! I have no idea what to do for the best I just want to hide away from the world at the moment! I wish everything was so different or my body would just give me a break!! Oh well I guess I need some sleep before my busy week begins!! Night world!!

when will things change!!!

I am wondering when my life becomes easier! I have yet another chest infection and Had numerous drugs today so that I can avoid admission, we kind of have a plan so fingers and toes crossed that it works!!  I have the next three days of so hopefully that will give me some time to feel better!!

one good thing! last night I went to see nativity 2 with Kate,  Pete and Scott and it was fabulous I haven't laughed so much in ages!!

oh well I'm tired and i need sleep so I'm of to try!
xxx

new day

Yesterday was a bad day in many ways so today I have woken up after thinking about it all night and decided that things have to change!!! yesterday I didn't feel well so that didn't help however thats not unusual!!! Pete annoyed me as he was working till 4 then he text me to say he would be later! so I waited all day to go shopping and then went on my own anyway, not usyally a problem but as my joints hurt so much it was agony!! he was supposed to be at football today whichwould of meant he would of been around tohelp at home today! he then says he is going to work today which is ridiculous as he had already covered!! I know he Is trying to Make a good impression at work as he wants them to keep him on  after Christmas I understand that!! what I don't understand is he told me they had already sorted his contract out!! so who knows what is going on!!! Then the icing on the cake was that he went out last night apparently for 10 minutes which turned into an hour and a half! I know that pete needs a life and i actually think he has quite a good one!! i know he is used to having his own place but that didnt work out and when it all went wrong I bailed him out, in ret urn he Is throwing it all back in my face!! i look after chestw everyday and i love him to bits which i have to admit!! the  problem is if I say anything to  pete he will use chester  to upset me more! i just wish sometimes he would ask and not presume i can have him all the time! i dont mind taking him to work  as the residents  love him and so do the staff just sometimes  i find it hard to get on with things becauae i have to watch him all the tIme!! he has a life I gave Mine up a long time a go and feel like I am only here to cook , clean etc etc!!! I also hate the way he had become so selfish and speaks to everyone like a piece of shit!! if I hear him speak to grandad like he is a piece of shit one more time I will say something to him! I'm surprised he has any friends the way he talks to them! he seems to be obsessed with being gay and puts on this act!! he needs to get a grip as he is the only one that has a problem with it in my eyes!! oh well rant over!!  another situation annoyed me, its reallycomplicated !  I'm not going to whinge anymore as it is boring!!
so I have decided that from now on I am not going to be walked all over and made to feel like I am only  here to cook, clean, do washing and generally look after everyone!! I know its my own  fault as I don't find it easy to Say no! I also think that people have no right to hurt other people's feelings!! oh well I ha've some DecIsisons to make about what I'm going to do! I think I'll have some breakfaSt first!!!

A mixed week!!!!

This blog seems to be me always moaning and groaning and to be honest I don't care! At least if I do it here people don't have to listen to it all the time!!
This week has been very mixed, good in some ways but very bad in others!! Lets start with the good I have achieved lots at work, things have been finished, christmas organised and generally I am more organised than I have ever been. I know it sounds sad but at least if I end up poorly or in hospital everything will still happen and I won't feel so guilty! I'm hoping that wont happen and I will just benefit from being so organised!! Now for the not so good part of my week! As you know from my last post I have been having severe pain in my joints and couldn't sleep or do much at all! Well I have no idea how I have got through a while week at work feeling like this, especially yesterday when we had a huge power cut and I ended up staying on all day and worked bloody hard! It goes with the job you can't walk out in the middle if a crisis no matter how horrible you feel!!
It seems the symptoms are down to retaining fluid around from steroid use! Anyone that would ever want to stay in steroids must be mad I would give anything to get of them they are evil and whilst they are life saving the side effects from long term use are awful, I could go on and on but I won't as it gets boring after a while!!
Anyway I am hoping changing some drugs and taking regular pain relief will help soon! I'm going back to the gp next week if no better to see if there is anything he can offers, I'm sure they can't but its worth a try!!
I was hoping this weekend I could do nothing but there's no chance of that! I sometimes wish people would give me a break and when they keep saying you need to rest they would actually let me. I know I am my own worst enemy and will do anything for anyone but sometimes I wish I could say no and not feel so guilty and then end up doing it anyway! I have half done the housework and sorted out my meds for this week so just a few more jobs to do which include washing, hoovering, shopping and a few other things! Oh we'll I think that's enough whinging for now so may as well pull my socks up and get things done! I think tomorrow afternoon I will have an opportunity to sit and do nothing! Oh no I will have to cook dinner and sort out other people I expect!!

Silently screaming!!!

I am going to silently scream on here!!! Aaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!
That's made me feel a bit better!! I have never had such bad pain in my joints!!! Every bone, joint and basically any part of my body that can move hurts, I don't just mean ache I mean really hurt!! I have quite a high pain threshold but this is horrible! I am also covered in bruises which hurt!! I know it is probably the steroids I am taking but I have never had it this bad, I am taking maximum painkillers with still little relief! I am trying so hard to not go of sick at work as I have so much going on! The problem is I can't function without taking lots of pain relief but then I feel to doppy to do much! I actually don't know what to do for the best.
I think I have tried so hard to cover up when I feel like poo that I actually manage it quite well, the problem is people don't seem to realise when I sat I'm having a bad time that I really am!! My own fault I guess but I just wish people could give me a break from the demands that they make on me!! I'm whinging now so I will stop!! I'm not expecting to sleep again tonight but I do wish if there is such a thing as a fairy godmother that she will come and take away some of this pain or alternatively shoot me and put me out of my misery!!!

Another Sunday!!

Well it's Sunday morning and I have been woken up by smugly with one of my socks in his mouth!! I think he tips trying to tell me that are going to work, bless him I need to teach him about the weekends!!

Have had a really busy week as last Sunday I have rememberance day balloon release at work which was brilliant! It seems such a fitting tribute!!
This week I have been really busy with one thing and another! I did a training day at work which I was so nervous about but it was actually ok! Then on Friday was children in need! We all went to work in our pjs which was brilliant and everyone had a great time!
Health wise I'm tired but my lungs are behaving them self for a changes! I seem to have swollen legs and covered in bruises but I think this is just down to long term pred which is bloody evil! I keep thinking I want to try and stop it but I know I can't really as my body would not cope!! I wish I was never started on it long term as the side effects are awful and I hate it!! I am still trying to lose weight but it just seems impossible, it is so frustrating !!!!

Life in general is ok I seem very radial irritated at the moment but I think that is just general people saying and doing stupid things! One of my close friends really upset me on Thursday with something she said and I can see her point but she wouldn't listen to my side of what I was trying to say!! It all seems a bit trival now but like I have said many times before 'people will forget what you say, people will forget what you did but people won't forget the way you made them feel'
Kate is poorly and I worry about her , she has actually listened to me for once and taken a day of work, that has to be a first!! Hoping she feels better soon!!

Home seems like hard work at the moment with one thing and another, I wish people wouldn't tell grandad things that they know nothing about as it just causes him to moan and us to have to put up with his mood, I guess some people just like to try and stir up trouble, personally I couldn't be bothered!!

Oh we'll before I go of on a rant I think I need to leave it there!! Me and smugly are having a day at home doing nothing!! Apart from the ton of paperwork I need to catch up on but at least I can do that on the sofa!!!

Finally a better end of the week!

After weeks of feeling really poorly with no energy and generally feeling yuck, the second part of this week i have actually felt better,i just hope it lasts. I have had a really productive week at home and work so thats good. At the beginning of week i felt like things would never be any better and that i just had to get used to the way things were, im not sure if things have changed or is it just i have changed my mental attitude about things, who knows. I am getting a bit fed up with people using me but then again i am letting them do it and i need to tell people no! easier said than done i know. I have a busy weekend planned as i am trying to get organised with lots of things that are coming up. Oh well i just wanted to post a positive post for a change as this blog was becoming quite negative which is not really like me!

Unsettled!

Not sure how I feel tonight, unsettled is the word I think!
My lungs are behaving much better and I have certainly had a nice restful week, I think I am worrying about returning to normality next week! In looking forward to going to work in one way but dreading it in another! I know everyone feels like that but today someone openly asked me if I was capable of working full time, of course I got all defensive a said yes! Deep down I'm not sure though! My job is very physically and emotionally demanding and I have to admit I find it hard but at the same time I work as part of a great team who back me, I am always thankful for that! I have the opportunity of transferring roles in the company but the new role is not me at all, I just wonder if sometimes we have to take a direction we wouldn't usually take!!
My pain levels are as high as they have ever been tonight so I have dosed up on every painkiller I have, that probably isn't helping how I feel!!
Oh well I need to try and get some sleep as I have a few things to do tomorrow

Night world xx

Home!!

Well I'm finally home after a fight to be discharged! I have heard so many stupid excuses in my life!!
I have seen the nurse at the surgery and she is really annoyed with the hospital! My discharge letter is appalling with no information on it! We had a long chat and she was disgusted with the ambulance crew who seemed in no rush to get me to a and e! The hospital were fine and did what was needed!! I can See her point about the discharge letter and how it tells no
One anything! She is also going to get one of the GPS at the surgery to get in touch with the hospital as it seems no one is taking responsibility for my care. St Richards leave it for Southampton, Southampton don't look after me when I am poorly so all in all no one is really taking responsibility, the nurse us the only one that seems to ever sort things out and I think that's a lot to put on her.
Anyway I'm home and that is all that matters, I'm ver battered and bruised but like my best friend said I am alive!!

I know have the week of as annual leave which I am secretly quite glad about! I usually go back to work straight a way and then get to tired again and poorly! Chester went for his op yesterday so I am dog sitting when Peter is at work!
This morning I have attempted to do the house work and it has nearly killed me but its done! Peter will be home soon so maybe he will treat me to lunch!!
Ok better go as dog crying like a baby xxx

Alone, pissed of and frightened!!

Yep you've guessed it back in my second home!! Things definitely didn't go to plan the last few days!!
On Wednesday I felt a bit off colour nothing particular just a bit sob and coughing so went to the doctors and lets just say I saw the most stupid doctor ever, I know him as he has been a locum at the surgery for years anyway he basically sent me of with a prescription for antibiotics and told me to go back to the nurse the next day so
On the way out I made an appointment and even the receptionist commented on how bad I looked,anyway went of home and plodded on using my neb every 2 hours, went to work and felt ok, so I thought the nurse would say just carry on, how wrong was I!!
She did the usual listening to chest, sats etc and put me on a neb,she was not impressed with the doctor the day before and said that she thought I should be in, as usual I did the usual I am fine lets try increasing pred etc!! She was having none of it as usual and she went to speak to a doctor and between them they decided an ambulance needed to be called!! The surgery were so lovely and she really did save my life it turned out! I was rushed to a and e resus with sats of 75 hr through the roof and resps of 45, a and e were fabulous and gave me all the drugs they could, I finally made
It to Amu and through the evening was not improving and tireing fast, the iTu team were called and they took over my care, on Friday I was placed back under the care of the medical team. With the outreach team monitoring me since! I fill much better than I did and have since been told I was five minutes from being intubated which is starting to hit home now.
The thing I am struggling with the most is not the fact that I have been so poorly but the fact I didn't recognise it and deal with it better. Today I was reviewed and if tomorrow I am feeling better with improved sats etc I can go home and rest as there is no
Chance if that here.! So fingers crossed that happens as it is so noisy in here.
Once again I have to thank
The NHS for saving my life!!

One thing that is really bugging me today is how much of a burden I feel to people around me, I wasn't going to write about this but as this is my blog I am going to! This isn't aimed at anyone it's just general.
I feel like such a burden with one thing and another, being ill all the time must annoy everyone around me, they can't rely on me for things and whilst I try not to let people down sometimes I can't help it! I don't know if people really understand how tough things are sometimes for me and I don't want sympathy just some reassurance that they understand I guess. I am in hospital and I feel very alone, everyone is at work or busy and whilst I don't really need them to visit as I am so tired but a simple text would
Be nice to show they care. I guess I am
Being selfish in a way expecting things., I guess im just lonely, scared and pissed of at the moment and need some back up from people. I'm babbling now and going to be
In tears soon as I am so tired and I guess everything is just hitting home!!
Right time for a sleep I think
Xx

Alone!

It is so true that you can feel alone in a crowded room, that is how I feel at the moment and I don't know why!!

I have had the worse headache ever this weekend, apparently it is a migraine, I had no idea this could effect your speech or moving your arms! I have never taken so many painkillers that don't work!! I'm hoping it is gone by tomorrow as I am working and can't afford anymore days of.
I have a hospital appointment as well, I'm starting to feel like they are becoming more pointless as I don't get any further forward, it feels like a tick in the box for them to be honest!
Life in general feels like hard work at the moment so it's like walking through treacle!!!
I think I need to try and get some sleep before tomorrow

Bloody angry!!

This is going to turn into a real angry post so I apologise in advance!

This week I was supposed to be on holiday but am working a couple of care shifts to fill in! Over the weekend I had a busy week end but managed to do all that I needed to do! Yesterday I worked all day and whilst it was bloody hard work it was nice to be doing the job I love! It made me sad to realise that physically I can't manage it long term but I guess occasionally is better than nothing at all!
Any way today I have a day of and I made it very clear I was not getting up early and doing nothing! Well what a joke that was, the house looked like a bomb hit it last night and this morning it still does so of I go again cleaning up everyone else's mess!! I asked eye to do it yesterday but he was far to busy out with his friends and basically spending as little time at home as possible! Anyway it is done now and why is it that they want to help half way through which pissed me of more as everything gets thrown on my bed so that I can of course clean that up as well!! Anyway as usual pets acts like the selfish individual he has turned into and cares about no one but him self!! Enough whinging for now as I know have to do the washing and shopping otherwise grandad won't eat tonight!!

Hope everyone's day is better than how mine has started!!!

Feeling used!!

I haven't updated this for a while, life has been so busy and I have had a horrible cold that has taken its toll!!

I know this is a sad thing to get excited about but so far I have not been admitted to hospital because of having a cold and it upsetting chest!! Fingers crossed it caries on like this!! My chest is grumpy and it hurts like hell but I am managing it!

Life in general is hard at the moment. I am quite worried about several things and people and not sure what to do!
Me and Kate had planned to go away next week as we are both on annual leave, I feel like I have let her down as there is no way I feel well enough to go away but also financially I can't afford it! I think it will have to wait to next year, doesn't stop me feeling quilty though!!

I have another situation that I have no idea how to cope with, I feel really used by it and like I am only there for there own convenience, it's something I nee to sort out but not sure how at the moment!!

Grandad is driving me insane at the moment I love him to bits but he doesn't want to do anything for himself, this morning I really wanted a lie in, Peter has buggered of to work and I have grandad and smugly to sort out, one day I will actually get a lie in but today I guess not!!

Oh we'll I am whinging now so best I go and get ready to do the shopping etc!!

Bloody colds!!

Today I have woken up with a stinking cold!! Couldn't even lift my head of the pillow without my head feeling like it would explode!! I had to reluctantly phone in sick for work as I feel so horrid, feeling very quilty about it as I know they are so busy at the moment and me being of means I can't help them. Also had a phone call from doctors surgery to say they need to speak to me about recent sputum results I wonder what bugs I have grown this time!!! Oh we'll will find out at 5pm. I am desperate for this cold to not end up on my chest as I have a busy week next week!!!! I think it will though as my peak flow is already below 200 when it was 400 at the beginning of the week. I am trying to rest and do not a lot and remain in control!!! Enough whining as after all it is only a cold, I just hate the way a cold causes me so many problems.

I am worrying myself about other things at the moment, I have been so busy that I have hardly had time for my friends lately, a combination of eat , sleep and work seems to of been my days! I care about them very much and hope they know that!!

Yesterday I went to Birmingham fur our garden competition and we won!! I'm so pleased as we all worked so hard!! I borrowed Irene's dress and everyone commented how nice I looked! I am not the most confident person when it comes to getting dressed up but with Kate and Irene's help they did a good job of making me look coordinated!!
I am worried about a couple of close friends as they are working themselves in the ground and I am not sure what I can do to help them as I am snowed under myself!! Oh we'll need to think about that. Right must go as think I need an afternoon sleep!!