Blogging is a funny things, its like having a diary but you forget that people might read it, i don't really care who reads this and i never think of it like this. This is my way of letting of steam and i suppose a way of being able to look back and see how things have moved on.
This week is the week i hate every years, last night would of been 13 years since my mum collapsed and was rushed to hospital with a blood clot on the brain, i will never forget that night and often think what we could have done differently and also i guess how life would be so different now if she was still here.
Thursday will be 13 days to the day when we made the awful decision to turn of her life support machine, i know we did the right thing as she always said she if a situation ever arose then make sure the machine was turned of as she didn't want to be in a vegetative state.
I still wonder if she knew something was wrong (although im not sure how she could) but that week she had made sure we had cupboard full of food and that everything was done around the house, i know it sounds silly but we always went shopping on a sunday so why on this week did she go two days earlier, we will never know i guess. I cant wait until after tuesday then we can move on for another year, It never hurts any less you just get used to it i guess.
This week has been a busy week, I saw my local consultant, actually both of them and they were really nice, they have no new answers apart from the fact that my lung function is at an all time low and there is not a lot they can do as i am on every drug available. They are going to speak to the surgeons again and i have an appointment at the end of the month to see if they will reconsider, i think its grasping at straws but who knows. I am also going for another test to check my swallow etc but not sure when. I did finally get some answers to why i have been feeling so rough, i had some blood tests which showed very low iron levels and a very high white cell which explains why i have been so tired, first of we though the white cells was a chest infection but on friday i suddenly developed a swelling on my hip which turned into an abscess and has now burst (which is yuck) i have been given some antibiotics and told not to weight bear for a week. It is so painful i could cry. I'm not sure how i am going to cope at work this week as walking around is agony and if i use crutches then i have to put up with everyones comments. I have hopefully got some sit down jobs so i will see what i can do.
I have resigned myself to live for today and not worry about the future as who knows what might happen, i am so grateful to have such lovely people around me and as usual kate has been an absolute star and supported me completely, she means a lot to me and she knows it, im not sure where i would be without her i just wish that i had more energy to do things, like going out etc. Although she says she doesn't mind i still wish things were so different. Oh well one day!!
I don't really have anything interesting to say so i guess its time to sign of for now and try and have a sleep after i have taken some super strong painkillers.
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