long over due update!!

i cant believe how long it has been since i have written anything here!! its been a bust couple ofmonths and not much has changed. work wise i am now working less hours which is better, i have also started my ou course which is proving harder that u thought but i am surei will get the hang of it soon. i am also now gettind dla which has meant i have a new car and can work less hours. it was hard to accept at first and hate seeing myself as disables,i guess  i still dont sometimes as i think i have to stay positive and be independant.
health wise nothing has changed, i am again writing this post admission to local hospital, this time was scarey, i had a bit of a coldso went to the surgery and saw the lovely nurse for advice, we had a discussion that involved her telling me i wasnt welland needed to go to hospital whilst i was saying i was fine, well i lost and an ambulance was called and ended up going to hospital under blues and twos!! the next thing i new i wasin resuss and then a matter of hours later in itu being pumped thorugh of drugs. really scarey considering i was sayng i was fine a few hours later. i felt so poorly in the end i couldnt of cared if i lived or died. anyway a few days later after lots of rest, drugs etc i was back on normal ward and things improved enough for me to go home. since i have been home i have been struggling to come to terms with the whole situation, i have had some many emergecy trips to hospital in thepast years you get used to them but how many more can i handle im not so sure!! ended up havbing a horrible week of snapping at other people including my best friend which really isnt fair as no one else is to blame. i guess i just feel like itsnot fair what is happening and how i can do nothing to stop it. i never reallised how much my situation effected others and one person made me relaise that it hurt her evrytine i was ill and she didnt know what was going to happen, she is my best friend and i never want to hurt her, fingers crossed i am feeling more myself now and back to being more positive after speaking to someone who made me realise that you have to be positive and concentrate on today as no one knows what tomorrow brings.
one good thing that came out of recent admission was that i got a referall to southhampton hospital so no more going to the brompton as i was not getting anywhere with them so fingers crossed maybe some answers soon/
well what a load of waffle that was but feel better for getting it of my chest
i have a busy week ahead of hospitak appoinemtns and on tuesday i am seeing hospital nurse andi am going to tell her how i feel as maybe she can help me understand it all.!!

future!!

I have decided enough of being miserable and things are only going to change if i try and change them. I am going make a list of that i want or need to do in the future:

1. Try and get some better control of my health, firstly get my RBH appointment brought forward, they are the only people that can really help and if they cant do anymore then atleast i can say that i tried.

2. Start thinking about number 1, i cant please everyone else all the time so i am going to stop trying, if people are my real friends they will stand by me no matter what.  For a little while i am going to concentrate on myself and getting what i want or need out of life.

3. Decide what to do with my job, whether i reduce my hours or change completely i am not sure, all i do know is that i can no longer work full time and have any kind of life, maybe i could just reduce my hours for a couple of months and see what happens.

4.start the OU course that i have been wanting to do for ages but keep putting of.

Well thats a start but most importantly live every day as if there was no tomorrow!!

FEELING DOWN POST HOLIDAY

Well just returned from a fabulous holuday to turkey, really needed the rest as was really tired before i left!!
the holiday was great, laid on the beach all day!! as for my health it was relatively ok over there, had a few dodgy moments but nothing  i couldnt deal with.
no back in england and things couldnt be more different. As soon as i landed my lungs turned against me and they dont seem to want me to have a life at all!!
I guess i was hoping that once back from holiday things would be different but they arent.
Just been to see respiratory nurse and she was fab, she could tell  i was fed with it all and has given me some advice, the most important thing is that i need my brompton appointment brought forward, so next week i am going to get on to it.
I have to go back to work next week and i am honestly dreading it!! i just hope i feel a bit better otherwise it is going to be really hard work, i am not sure how much longer i want or can work 36 hours a week (it frustrates me as i used to work 50 hours a week no problems.

Well hopefully this is just a bit of feeling down post holiday and i will pick myself up over the weekend!!

BETTER WEEK!!

Much better week this week!!
It has been a busy but better week, finally caught up with work after being in hospital and even managing to get on with coursework, really need to get it finished before the end of the month so must plow on!!
Health wise, things very up an down , had hospital in the week and the nurse was really lovely, she sorted out my theophyylin level and arranged everything i needed, also she is talking to consultant about infection again, so just waiting to hear! she deserves a medal as she helps me loads and i know she is really busy!!
Still in lots of pain but not to bad with painkilers and am determined to not let it get in the way of gettng on, wlthough the truth is it bring me to tears regularly!!

not alot else to say, lets hope this week remains positive and i aoid hospital at all costs!!

well another week gone and what a horrible one it has been!
started on monday with the anniversary of my mums death! i miss her terribly at the moment with all that is going on!!
some positive stuff has happened, spoke to nurse at local hospital and she was fab as allways, really helpful and managed to speak to the RBH for me! I also had a message from RBH to say that they are still looking into the situation and have an appointment on 19th may so we wil see what happens after that.
Struggling emotionally at the moment although managing to hide it most of the time! i think it is because i am so exhausted all the time and just want to collapse when i get home from work with exhaustion it is so frustrating as my brain wants to run around like an idiot but my body says no. the pain is terrible, taking loads of pain killers and even that doesnt help.

I really must stop moaning as i i am well aware there are many people out ther much worse.

at least the weekend is here so having a rest and catching up on stuff at home, got to look into getting a new car as this week but we will see, hopefully dad will sort it for me.

well another week os over and new one about to begin!
this week i am determined to be more positive and get things moving, just need to find some energy to do it.

11 YEARS AND I FEEL LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY

Tonight will be the the exact night 11 years ago that my beautiful mum collapsed and was placed on a life support machine, i will never forget that awful night, i miss her everyday and right now need her more than ever!!! Planted some beautiful flowers in her memory today so i can look at them everyday. miss you allways mum xxxxx

BUSY, BUSY ,BUSY!!!
Spent the whole day doing carpet cleaning, house work and gardening!
so much for taking it easy! in a lot of pain with chest today so loads of pain killers taken, going to see gp on monday if no improvement as maybe i habe another infection! hope not as i really need to be well for a while.
had a lovely chat with a good friend today and really talked things through, realised how much work is annoying me and people interfering, i have decided from now on head down and do what i need to do, onwards and upwards from now on!!!!