Well once again it has been a couple of weeks since i updated this, the weeks go so quick!!

Not a lot to say apart from things have been better, that is until this weekend when i have an awful cold, its not to bad just annoying really.

got a busy weekend and seem to have work coming out of my ears again, sometimes i wish i never took on NVQ assessing it really does make so much extra work for me, anyway it will get done in the end i am sure.

Oh well life is boring at the moment and that is absolutely fine, i really donlt like to much excitement.

sarah
x

just a quick update

Well it all went wrong, got a cold and within 24 hours was in hospital with pneumonia and a small collapse to the lung, managed to escape on friday which was my birthday. Not a bad admission, they did everything i needed and things improved quite quickly. Now home and i am exhausted, i have hardly moved for days and tomorrow i have to go back to work which is going to be hard, i am starting to think if it is all worth it as i am pushing myself way to hard, but dont know what else i can do. Oh well need to start to think about it a bit more and see what happens.
Cant say much more now as to tired and need o get to bed, i will update soon when i feel a bit more like it.

Thank goodness that is over

What a week, well in a way it has been a good week, i have cried,laughed and cried again!! Its a long story and i dont really want to go into the ins and outs of it but basically for the last few weeks i had been getting more and more depressed about a situation and because i felt so bad i was becoming increasingly parnoid about what people thought. This meant i had convinced myself i was about to lose my job which in turn i felt like i was going to lose everything, the stupid thing was i nearly let this happen and was letting people make my life more difficult just because i kind of got the attitude that i didnt care, when deap down i really did.I couldnt concentrate at work, i even quit my OU course because i believed i couldnt do it and was useless.  That doesnt really make sense but to me it does, basically i nearly gave up on life as i just couldnt cope. The irony of this is people should speak to one another it seems that someone had something they needed to say to me and whilst i was aware that she was being distant it was for completely different reasons than i thought and we were both losing sleep over it, so stupid now and was actually no problem to either for us and we both felt better after the conversation. Anyway since then i have felt a huge amount of relief and realised that things had been going on for a long while and i am the only person that can change them, for this to happen i willbe relying on my friends and family and being more honest about my feelings, i am also putting my health as more of a priority as last week i was so unwell but because i was so worried what people thought i refused to look after myself properly which was not sensible and could of ended badly for me.

So i am trying so hard to get back to myself, which is hard as i still have episodes of being very paranoid, i know who i can trust in life and those people i am going to rely on more and when i am having a bad day or need someone to tell me to stop being daft i am going to be honest with them about how i feel and ask for help, no one has the right to make others unhappy and no one has the right tomake comments about things they know nothing about, so these people are not going to be part of my life.

Oh well i am waffling now all i can say is that over the past 6 weeks there were times wheni could of walked away from life but thankfully i cannow see a future and have decided what will be will be, its a beautiful sunny day so i am going to make the most of it. I have a list of things i need to sort out and do so the sooner i start the sooner life starts again.  Firstly sort  out OU course, do some planning for work and sort out some things at home.
I am not sure anyone reads this and to honest i only write this for myself as a way of getting things of my chest, but i would like to say a huge thankyou to everyone that has helped me and stood by me, you really are my true things and that is one things i have learnt lately, who my friends really are!!!

Oh well another week of feeling like poo and generally getting fed up with it all.
Changes need to be made i think but im not sure what for the best.
I saw my local consultant on monday and had a really good chat with him about everything, he doesnt have a lot to offer and whilst i knew he would say that i was kind of hoping he would have a magic wand. of course he didnt.  He did recommend some patches for  pain and well that was a disaster, put it on and within hours i was nearly unconscious aparently i looked like i was on drugs and was very funny. The moment i said i didnt even have the energy to breath it was taken of and thankfully i felt better in a few hours, i think i may have  to put up with the pain!!
Had ar eally horrid chest all week and it turns out after trips back and forth to hospital that i have pneumonia, steroids and antibiotics  increased and finally i think we are winning as although i am so tired i do feel a bit better. The one good things is that i have managed to stay out of hospital and that is a miracle.
I am so thankful to all those around me that have been so supportive, i really am grateful.

I have done lots of thinking this week and need to start making some changes, i think i have to try this salycilate free diet and see if it makesany difference, i also feel like i am getting really unfit i keep thinking of going swimming which i used to love but soemthing stops me, i really need to look into it this week as i feel like i have to keep myself as physically fit as possible.

Oh well  im waffling now

I want to run away and hide!!

sometimes it would be so much easier to just run away and hide for a while, the problem is this is never the solution i guess!!
It was a hard week last week and then had a big family bbq last night so i am absolutely knackered now, nice quiet day today in the hope i can build up some energy for another week.
Last week things came to a bit of a head and i finally admitted how bad i feel to someone and how sometimes it is easier to not say anything, i guess i am trying to protect other people and myself and if i dont say anything then it isnt real. I am not sure what is going to happen but fingers crosssed tomorrow there may be some answers with consultant appointment. Well we can hope anyway. A few weeks ago i was terrified of what might happen and now i kind of just dont care anymore, i need a life and at the moment i just feel like i am going through the motions but not living at all.
I feel really irritated at the moment and everything is getting to me, i am also very frustrated by the whole situation and how much i cant do at the moment, even simple things are hard work, i am lucky to have very supportive friends and i just dont tell them often enough. I just wish i could hide away from the world for a couple of days and summon up some energy from somewhere to keep going. Oh well what will be will be i guess.

I wish things were so different!!!

Why is life so cruel some times. After a very busy day and quite emotional i got in the car and song come on the radio and i was in absolute pieces. It really was everything i was thinking and how i was feeling that it hit home how things have become. I am feeling so really selfish  at the moment and thinking why me!! Life just seems to be going on in a state of unstableness which means i feel ill all the time and have somuch pain i just cant cope, i am hoping for some answers next week but i think i have given up as there doesnt ever seem to be any. Things arent as bad they were a few weeks ago wheni was very down i just wish things were so different. Right now i could screa if i had any energy but i dont. I think it is because my sleep is not good again and the nightmares have returned, fingers crossed tonight is better and then tomorrow i will feel so much better. People should be so grateful for what they have as it canbe taken away so quickly!!!

Dreams do come true!!!

It was fabulous and an absolute dream come true, have been so tried since i got home but it was well worth it.
Anton swept me of my feet and i have some lovely photos to prove it, he even tripped me over and called me a silly tart but he was lovely, the whole strictly come dancing crew and dancers were so lovely they made us feel so welcome and the show was excellent, i just wish i could do it all again. It was on the TV on Saturday and Sunday and as they say a smile says a thousand words and that is so true i have not been so happy in ages it really was fabulous.
I am so grateful to all those involved in the arranging of it and could not thank you all enough it was everything i wanted and more. Since i have been so tired and in so much pain but slowly i am getting more energy. Decisions need to be made and i know feel like i have to deal with them in my own way. Not alot else i need or want to say really just thanks to everyone that continues to be there for me, you know who you are and i am forever grateful!!