Ever had one of those days when you burst into tears for now reason, well today is one of those days, not having a good day, a mixture of being tired and being in pain means i am feeling short tempered. I am trying hard to not take it out on those around me unlike other people in this house.
Health wise things are a bit naff still but I feel a bit better than the beginning of the week so i think things have moved on a bit, the drugs are finally working so i guess another day or two and i will be so much better.I am really thankful for having such a fab gp who helped me loads yesterday and was willing to work with me to stay at home and not end up in hospital.
Finally got my ou essay written yesterday and submitted what i am sure is going to be rubbish but at least it is something rather than nothing. Now got to start working on the next one but not today.
I am a bit fed up with myself and feel like i have let someone down that is close to me, after lots of discussion some plans we had are going to happen and once again this my fault, i know she understands i think and it would of been a huge risk at the moment.
Oh well i dont have a lot more to add and feel so tired that i think i am of for a little sleep
xxxxx
Saturday, 4 February 2012
Thursday, 2 February 2012
oh well, what a week
Oh what a week, i really feel the need to have a good moan and as this is my space i think i am going to.
Health wise things are officially rubbish. It all started with me feeling a bit yucky last weekend which i put down to overdoing it and working to hard but this soon appeared to not be the case. So after coughing up lots of blood and gunk of i went to the doctors on monday and saw the nurse i always see. She was not happy with the way things were and said i have a nasty chest infection which was probably pneumonia and the pain was pleurisy. So with strict instructions to go home and rest and with more antibiotics and pain killers and to got a and e if i felt the slightest bit worse. So once i have been over to work and explained the situation that is pretty much all i have done this week. I went back today and feeling a bit better than monday, still not having much sleep due to pain and when she listened to me chest she said that it sounded a bit better but the air entry was rubbish, after lots of discussions i have to go for an xray and blood tests and carry on as i am, she thinks i will need iv antibiotics as the sample showed nasty bugs but we agreed to wait until after the weekend and see if the antibiotics can clear it a bit more. I am so gutted that i have been this poorly again as i had been so well for a couple of months and thought that things may have settled down, i guess this could just be a blip and it is winter after all which is always a bad time. I am so tired and exhausted i wonder when i will get better and i think me and the doctor are worried that the lung will collapse a little bit again as i felt like this last time, oh well will have to wait and see i guess and until then do what i am told. I am of to see the gastro team next week and i really need them to be proactive so fingers crossed they are this time.
As for work i have really enjoyed working on care and whilst it is hard work and i am not going to do it long term for a while it is nice, i am also still working on activities so i am getting the best of both worlds at the moment. Work have been fab this week about me being of, i worry far to much about leaving them short and i also worry to much about what people think. I am sure people are saying that i should not work on care and whilst they may be right at times i have to live my life and work is an important part of that for. I would rather live a shorter life but do what i want, rather than do nothing and live for ages.I just wish my lungs would get a grip and not make everything so difficult. Nvq stuff is finally coming along and the one thing about having this week of i can work on that, As for open university i was ready to give up at the beginning of the week as i am so behind but my tutor convinced me i ca catch up and it will be worth it int he end.
As for home, Peter is upset and i wont go into the whys and whats, all i will say i would love to give someone a piece of my mind and if they lived closer i would. I feel sorry for Pete as he has been hurt but he does make me cross as he snaps at grandad and he doesn't understand why. It is like walking on egg shells and grandad moans at me, i guess i am playing piggy in the middle. I was a bit upset when one of our friends said that pete thought that his plans were the excuse to get out of here, that upset me as he is not held here and as i have told him before he can go anytime and no one is holding him here. He is in-charge of his own destiny , that is all i am going to say for now
Oh well i am so thankful for all those around me and my best friend has been my pillar of strength in the past week or so, she means more to me than i can express. she also has been so understanding than she should have to. Oh well i need to talk to her later as i need to tell her somethings that are going on and how some plans we have may not happen quite when we want them to
signing of today
xxx
Health wise things are officially rubbish. It all started with me feeling a bit yucky last weekend which i put down to overdoing it and working to hard but this soon appeared to not be the case. So after coughing up lots of blood and gunk of i went to the doctors on monday and saw the nurse i always see. She was not happy with the way things were and said i have a nasty chest infection which was probably pneumonia and the pain was pleurisy. So with strict instructions to go home and rest and with more antibiotics and pain killers and to got a and e if i felt the slightest bit worse. So once i have been over to work and explained the situation that is pretty much all i have done this week. I went back today and feeling a bit better than monday, still not having much sleep due to pain and when she listened to me chest she said that it sounded a bit better but the air entry was rubbish, after lots of discussions i have to go for an xray and blood tests and carry on as i am, she thinks i will need iv antibiotics as the sample showed nasty bugs but we agreed to wait until after the weekend and see if the antibiotics can clear it a bit more. I am so gutted that i have been this poorly again as i had been so well for a couple of months and thought that things may have settled down, i guess this could just be a blip and it is winter after all which is always a bad time. I am so tired and exhausted i wonder when i will get better and i think me and the doctor are worried that the lung will collapse a little bit again as i felt like this last time, oh well will have to wait and see i guess and until then do what i am told. I am of to see the gastro team next week and i really need them to be proactive so fingers crossed they are this time.
As for work i have really enjoyed working on care and whilst it is hard work and i am not going to do it long term for a while it is nice, i am also still working on activities so i am getting the best of both worlds at the moment. Work have been fab this week about me being of, i worry far to much about leaving them short and i also worry to much about what people think. I am sure people are saying that i should not work on care and whilst they may be right at times i have to live my life and work is an important part of that for. I would rather live a shorter life but do what i want, rather than do nothing and live for ages.I just wish my lungs would get a grip and not make everything so difficult. Nvq stuff is finally coming along and the one thing about having this week of i can work on that, As for open university i was ready to give up at the beginning of the week as i am so behind but my tutor convinced me i ca catch up and it will be worth it int he end.
As for home, Peter is upset and i wont go into the whys and whats, all i will say i would love to give someone a piece of my mind and if they lived closer i would. I feel sorry for Pete as he has been hurt but he does make me cross as he snaps at grandad and he doesn't understand why. It is like walking on egg shells and grandad moans at me, i guess i am playing piggy in the middle. I was a bit upset when one of our friends said that pete thought that his plans were the excuse to get out of here, that upset me as he is not held here and as i have told him before he can go anytime and no one is holding him here. He is in-charge of his own destiny , that is all i am going to say for now
Oh well i am so thankful for all those around me and my best friend has been my pillar of strength in the past week or so, she means more to me than i can express. she also has been so understanding than she should have to. Oh well i need to talk to her later as i need to tell her somethings that are going on and how some plans we have may not happen quite when we want them to
signing of today
xxx
Friday, 20 January 2012
This could turn into a real whingy post so you have been warned but as its my blog im going to say what i want!!
what a week!! It has been really hard, started with me falling out with Pete and not talking to him, he really annoyed me and the way he treats his own family so was best to ignore him for a couple of days, the problem with ignoring someone it is actually really hard work and it was really getting to me and i was taking out on everyone else!! anyway we have sorted things out now i think so lets hope that is over for a while and that he has started to understand that he has to be careful how he speaks to people and how his actions can affect everyone else!!
Health wise this week has been hard, it seems i have picked up a viral infection which is causing extreme pain in all my joints, i can usually cope with pain but this is horrid and every time i move it is pure agony, this has meant i have a really short temper and i have taken it out on everyone, not on purpose but i know i have and i am really sorry. The problem i have is i feel like everyone is waiting for something to go wrong and this is especially at work as my health is not good anyway but i feel like i can never have a sick day or take time of as that's what everyone is waiting for, i love being on the floor now and although it is really hard work, i know that if my health becomes an issue then i will have to go back to my old job which is going to cause problems for someone else who i care about very much. so i am kind of stuck at the moment and just have to work through it. I have the weekend of so am going to try and rest and then on Monday i am back to Southampton, fingers crossed my lung function is up a little bit as last time it was really bad. I also need to find out about my iron and potassium levels as they are still lower than they should be and that wont be helping. So health wise things are stable but not great, i still cant seem to keep food in as i feel sick, but my weight is stable so i think they will just say carry on as i am at the moment. At least i know this is just a virus and not my current conditons getting any worse so fingers crossed i will feel better in no time.
Work wise i seem to have a hundred things to do and no time to do then, i am still trying to do NVQ assessing which is taking longer than expected, i also have my own work to do which i seem to be more and more behind with, an d then there is OU work as well, which i am so behind with i am not sure where to start. I seem to be sinking in work at the moment and no time do any of it.
Oh well i am guessing i should get on with things and try and get some order to what i have to do, if i dont start soon i will just get more and more behind.
I am so sorry to everyone that i have snapped at this week and i really dont mean to i am just really stressed at the moment and this virus is not helping!! Thanks to my best friend for helping me this week and my friends that have really stuck by me recently!!!
what a week!! It has been really hard, started with me falling out with Pete and not talking to him, he really annoyed me and the way he treats his own family so was best to ignore him for a couple of days, the problem with ignoring someone it is actually really hard work and it was really getting to me and i was taking out on everyone else!! anyway we have sorted things out now i think so lets hope that is over for a while and that he has started to understand that he has to be careful how he speaks to people and how his actions can affect everyone else!!
Health wise this week has been hard, it seems i have picked up a viral infection which is causing extreme pain in all my joints, i can usually cope with pain but this is horrid and every time i move it is pure agony, this has meant i have a really short temper and i have taken it out on everyone, not on purpose but i know i have and i am really sorry. The problem i have is i feel like everyone is waiting for something to go wrong and this is especially at work as my health is not good anyway but i feel like i can never have a sick day or take time of as that's what everyone is waiting for, i love being on the floor now and although it is really hard work, i know that if my health becomes an issue then i will have to go back to my old job which is going to cause problems for someone else who i care about very much. so i am kind of stuck at the moment and just have to work through it. I have the weekend of so am going to try and rest and then on Monday i am back to Southampton, fingers crossed my lung function is up a little bit as last time it was really bad. I also need to find out about my iron and potassium levels as they are still lower than they should be and that wont be helping. So health wise things are stable but not great, i still cant seem to keep food in as i feel sick, but my weight is stable so i think they will just say carry on as i am at the moment. At least i know this is just a virus and not my current conditons getting any worse so fingers crossed i will feel better in no time.
Work wise i seem to have a hundred things to do and no time to do then, i am still trying to do NVQ assessing which is taking longer than expected, i also have my own work to do which i seem to be more and more behind with, an d then there is OU work as well, which i am so behind with i am not sure where to start. I seem to be sinking in work at the moment and no time do any of it.
Oh well i am guessing i should get on with things and try and get some order to what i have to do, if i dont start soon i will just get more and more behind.
I am so sorry to everyone that i have snapped at this week and i really dont mean to i am just really stressed at the moment and this virus is not helping!! Thanks to my best friend for helping me this week and my friends that have really stuck by me recently!!!
Saturday, 31 December 2011
New year
It's new years eve and I thought I would take this opportunity to say a little something! Well what a year there have been highs and lots of lows but I got through it with the help of my wonderful friends and family!!
The highlight of my year was attending strictly come dancing and meeting Anton du beke it was a dream come true and a day I will cherish forever! I can't thank those that arranged it enough and can't express how much it meant to me!
The lows have been bad and when I look ack I'm not sure how I got through them, my health has been really bad at times and several times I have been to poorly o imagine, these times were scary and when I look back I could of easily given up, fingers crossed things have moved on as I'm not sure I can deal with that again. I know things aren't great now but I can cope with how they are.
I really want to express my appreciation for my friends and family tat have helped me this year, They really have been fab, the most important person in my life is Kate and she knows t, she is my bet friend and I don't know what I would do without her!
The last few weeks things have changed in my life and I'm looking forward to next year, I am now doing some care shifts again and I love it, it is hard work and is going to take a little time to get used to it again but I am really enjoying t, I still do my job one day a week so I feel like I get the best of both worlds. My earth has also been ok and more stable thanks to new drugs, although the side effects are harsh I am dealing with them now, my bloods are still a bit iffy and needed a little boost yesterday but I'm hoping that was a one of I have hurt my back at the moment and am a little worried that it is steroid related so gonna get it checked out on Tuesday when dr speare ribs me about blood results. Oh well I am mumbling now.
As for the new year I'm not really one for new years resolutions, I have some decisions to make which includes ou course as I have kind of lost interest and have so much other stuff to do, I will decide next week n what I want to do. As for tonight I'm not sure what I'm doing, I don't mid either way we have tickets to go out but it's kind of a let's decide on the night thing, Pete is in Wales so I hope has a nice time and grandad doesn't want to go out. We will see.
The most important thing I have learnt this year is cherish life and cherish those around you as it can be gone all to quick. And to tell those around you that you love them everyday.
Oh well I'm having a pj and playing on iPad day I think!!
Happy new year everyone xxxxxxxxx
Monday, 26 December 2011
i feel very spoilt, thank you xxxxx
Well Christmas has been and i was so spoilt that i feel guilty, i got some amazing presents and am so thankful. An ipad which i love and will give me hours of fun, a kindle which i love and can use all the time. A new camera which i really needed. I also have some new pjs and a dressing gown and at first thought that i would never wear them as they were a size 12/14 and i have never been that small, but OMG they fit, which is fab and makes me feel better about my size as i was feeling really fat. I also have some fab fairy lights, new duvet and picture for my room which are all up now. Also some microwaveable slippers which are fab and finally and alarm clock so that i get my bum out of bed on time, which i need as need to get up earlier now. Oh and the most fabulous hats which i love. So all in all i was very spoilt as i also have a new hot water bottle which has been used and much, much more. I was in tears a lot yesterday as i felt so special and really feel like i didn't deserve it. It was also another Christmas and this year has been quite bad at times and my health has been horrendous so it was an important milestone. Things are starting to look up and i am hoping next year is so much better and i don't really care if things aren't perfect i just want to live my life and me as well as i can be. This year has been hard and at times i could of given up but the one thing that it has taught me is how important life is and how important your friends and family are, they really have stood by me this year and helped me so much.
I have changed my job a little bit and so far so good, i am tired but then again i have been really busy, i love working as part of the care team and never thought i would again so its nice to have the opportunity to have another go. The only thing that worry s me is that i can never say if i don't feel well as i will immediately be taken of the job, but like i said everyone gets ill at some point, we will see what happens i guess. I am not sure if i am going to manage the long days but early s seem OK at the moment. Today i think i have over done it a bit as have needed nebs and oramoph this afternoon as not feeling great but i am sure it is just a blip and tomorrow things will fine.
I also have something else keeping me occupied at the moment and it s giving me a reason to get out of bed at the weekends, i think i had got myself very depressed a few months ago and wasn't even getting dressed at the weekends, but now much better.
Oh well i am waffling now but i have one more thing i want to say, well actually two. I know Kate reads this sometimes and i want to see you mean so much to me and i know this christmas has been hard for you and mum, i am always here for you and if you need anything you only need to shout, I appreciate what you do for me, more that anything in the whole world , thanks for the fab presents i love them and hope you like yours, thanks again sweety and thanks for standing by me. Now to say thanks to pete for the fab presents, as i have said before you need to follow your dreams and do what you want in life, im not going to say much more as i have said it all before.
Oh well i need to play with new toys.
Happy christmas to everyone and may your new year be as special as you want it to be
xxxx
I have changed my job a little bit and so far so good, i am tired but then again i have been really busy, i love working as part of the care team and never thought i would again so its nice to have the opportunity to have another go. The only thing that worry s me is that i can never say if i don't feel well as i will immediately be taken of the job, but like i said everyone gets ill at some point, we will see what happens i guess. I am not sure if i am going to manage the long days but early s seem OK at the moment. Today i think i have over done it a bit as have needed nebs and oramoph this afternoon as not feeling great but i am sure it is just a blip and tomorrow things will fine.
I also have something else keeping me occupied at the moment and it s giving me a reason to get out of bed at the weekends, i think i had got myself very depressed a few months ago and wasn't even getting dressed at the weekends, but now much better.
Oh well i am waffling now but i have one more thing i want to say, well actually two. I know Kate reads this sometimes and i want to see you mean so much to me and i know this christmas has been hard for you and mum, i am always here for you and if you need anything you only need to shout, I appreciate what you do for me, more that anything in the whole world , thanks for the fab presents i love them and hope you like yours, thanks again sweety and thanks for standing by me. Now to say thanks to pete for the fab presents, as i have said before you need to follow your dreams and do what you want in life, im not going to say much more as i have said it all before.
Oh well i need to play with new toys.
Happy christmas to everyone and may your new year be as special as you want it to be
xxxx
Sunday, 11 December 2011
what a busy day, Christmas shopping done, tree up, presents wrapped and cards written, so glad it is done as was starting to worry it would never get done. The only down side is feeling terrible tonight, pain is the worse it has ever been and have taken all the painkillers i have. Lungs hate me and are playing up badly, i really need to be OK this week as i have so much planned and with christmas getting nearer i have things to do.
I am annoyed that my bronchoscopy date has been brought forward to this Tuesday and i am not sure why as it isn't really convenient, i am hoping to get hold of them tomorrow and get a changed back to the original date. we will see i guess and if they wont then i will just have to go with it and work around it.
I am kind of feeling stressed about everything at the moment and finding hard to please everyone so some people are just gonna have to wait. My to do list never gets shorter and i am not sure it will ever get better, I am not sure if i am gonna manage work tomorrow as i feel terrible but i will try and see what happens as don't wont to let people down, or for people to make comments. Oh well i am whinging on now and really need to got to bed as i am exhausted.
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Oh well its saturday night again and yet again i am sat indoors with grandad thinking about an early night as i am so tired.
Been a difficult week feeling exhausted and sick, now i have a rash which aparently is a bacterial or viral infection, i have had blood cultures done so now waiting the results, fingers crossed its just a viral thing that is going around.
The new drugs i am taking still make me feel sick and today i have been sick most of the day but i am hoping over times things will get better as i think they are helping in away.
Been to the opticians with grandad today and his eyes are worse so new glasses needed, which means i am going to have to go back next week with him as well, it seems i am the only one this family that does all the running around with him. I am getting so annoyed with people taking the piss out of him and he lets them, it seems anyone can do what they like apart from me, i am not putting it up with it much longer as i am going to put my foot down about it. I am not going to say to much more as i would go on for ages!!
Oh well bed for me as got things to do tomorrow then back to work again for another full week.
x x x
Been a difficult week feeling exhausted and sick, now i have a rash which aparently is a bacterial or viral infection, i have had blood cultures done so now waiting the results, fingers crossed its just a viral thing that is going around.
The new drugs i am taking still make me feel sick and today i have been sick most of the day but i am hoping over times things will get better as i think they are helping in away.
Been to the opticians with grandad today and his eyes are worse so new glasses needed, which means i am going to have to go back next week with him as well, it seems i am the only one this family that does all the running around with him. I am getting so annoyed with people taking the piss out of him and he lets them, it seems anyone can do what they like apart from me, i am not putting it up with it much longer as i am going to put my foot down about it. I am not going to say to much more as i would go on for ages!!
Oh well bed for me as got things to do tomorrow then back to work again for another full week.
x x x
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